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'^'^ryv-c/L^ 



DOONER'S TRIP. 



DOONER'S TRIP. 



% Comebg iix Jfour %th. 



TSAN'SLATED AND FREELY ADAPTED FEOM THE FBENCn 



LEONARD GROYEE, 

Author of " Treasure Trove," " Our Boarding-House,'" "H. R. H. 
the Prince," "Mj Son-in-Law," *'Bad Dickey," etc. 



Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the Office of the Congressional 
Librarian, in the year 1880. 



i'f 



N. B. — Fall dxscHption of the Scenes forwarded wpon application. 



6 I 



New York : 
SAMUEL FRENCH & SON, 

PUBLISHER,?, 

38 E. 14th St., Union Square. 



London : 
SAMUEL FRENCH, 

PUBLISHER, 

89, STRAND. 



/ /r^ 7/ 



CHARACTERS IN THE COMEDY 



Cadwalader Dooner— An opulent Pork-Packer. Age, 50. 

Col. Calhoun Baumgartner— Ex-Colonel '* Louisiana Tigers." 
Age, 50. 

Grateful Hucklestone— Clerk in a Sugar-Refinery. Age, 55. 
Horace Walbridge— Partner in the Sugar-Refinery. One of 

*'Mrs. Timmcrliouse's best societ}'." xlge, 28. 
Willie Rittenhouse— Partner in the Banking House of Bom- 
bax, Traquire & Co. Also one of " Mrs. Timmerhouse's best 
society." Age, 25. 
Joseph— Faithful decayed ''Tiger," attached to the Colonel. 

Age, 60. 
Mrs. Caroline Dooner— Y»"ife of the opulent P. P. Cadwala- 

der's Caroline. Age, 45. 
Miss Josephine Dooner — The pretty blonde daughter of the 

Dooners. Age, 19. 
Mrs. Lucinda Spoopendyke — A widow with the Stock in a 

valuable Silver Mine to place. Looks 35. 
Miss Clara Spoopendyke— Her niece, willing to take the one 
that is left. Age, 21. 

Alice — Servant-maid of the Dooners. 

Landlord of the Museum Hotel. 

A Guide to under the Falls. 

An Indian Saleswoman. 

Photograph Touter. 

Telegraph Boy. 

R. R. Conductor. 

R. R. Official. 

Porter. 

Travellers, etc., etc., ^\c. 



Time — The Present, Midsimimer. 

Costumes — Appropriate, Travelling and Society. 

Scenes— Philadelphia R. R. Depot. In iagara Falls, Canada side. 
Dooner s Villa. 

Action takes place within five weeks. 



DOONER'S TRIP. 



ACT I. 

SCEjSTE. — Interior Pemi. B.R. Despot ^ PJiiladelpliia. Scene rakes 
the stage r. & l., onahing angle u. c. Entrances r. & l. First, 
large arch in R. discloses liigli paZing fence, l)eyond which the 
rears of departing trains are visible. At each second gong a train 
moves off. Telegraph office in angle u. s. Large opening in l. c. 
leading to ladies'' loaiting-room discloses periodiccd-stamd. Sonall 
square opening T>. s., through which ticlcets are sold. Guard- 
railing in front of this. Purchasers of ticlcets form line facing 
u. s., and exit through arch. 

Telegraph Boy. Telegraph to all parts of the world. Rate 
to New York, only fifteen cents. 

HucKLESTONE. L. 1 E. {To himsclf.) This Dooner doesn't 
come ; here's a good hour that I've been waitiag for him. 

Tel. Boy. Telegraph to all parts of the world. Rate to New 
York, only fifteen cents. 

HucK. It was definitely settled for him to start early this 
morning for Niagara Falls, with his wife and daughter. {With 
sarcasm.) These pork-packers who go to Niagara ! These 
pork- packers who have half a million dollars I These pork- 
packers who keep a carriage ! What an epoch ! what a condi- 
tion of things ! As for me, I earn barely $1500 a year working 
and fretting in a sugar-refinery office. We frequently have two 
customers a week ; but there I am kept whether they come or 
not, reading the newspapers for five hours a day. This morning 
I demanded leave of absence, I said I was sick. I got it. It is 
absolutely necessary I should see Dooner before he departs. I 
want to have him lend me three hundred dollars. He'll put on 
the benevolent, assume the important — give me advice — a pork- 
packer. That's what galls me. But why doesn't he come ? 
They said he took the early express. {To official who passes fol- 
lowed ly-a traveller.) Mister, what time does the Niagara express 
leave ? 

Official. {Brvsqnely.) x\.sk the conductor. 



4 dooxer's trip. 

HucK. (Aside.) Thank you, Mister Hog. (To Conductor.) 
Mr. Conductor, what time does the Niagara express leave ? 

Conductor. (Brusquely.) That's not my business. Sec the 
time-table. (Pointing to it.) 

HucK. Thank you. (Aside.) They are polite, these railroad 
men. If ever I catch one of them in the sugar refinery — Well, 
let's see the time-table. [Ei'it through arch. 

[Enter Dooxer, Miss Dooner, and Josephine, following an 
official J from 02yening Ij. c] 

DooN. This way. Don*t leave us, we can never find our- 
selves. Where is our baggage ? (Loohing off.) Ah I all right. 
Who has got the umbareilas ? 

Josephine. I have, papa. 

DooN. And the lunch, and my dressing-case ? 

Mrs. D. Here they are. 

DooN. And my Derby ? Oh! it's left in the carriage. (Start- 
ing and stopjjing.) Ah, no ! I got it in my hand. Heavens I 
but it's warm. 

Mrs. D. It's your fault. You hurried us — you urged us. I 
don't like to take a trip in this style. 

DooN. It's the starting I Once we are started, all will be 
easy. Stay here, I'm going to buy the tickets. (Giving his hat 
to Josephine.) Take care of my Derby. (To an official.) 
Three tickets for Niagara Falls. 

Off. (Brusquely.). It isn't opened yet ; in a quarter of an 
hour. 

DooN. (To Official.) I beg your pardon, it's the first time 
I've been to Niagara this way. (Returning to lis wife.) We 
are ahead of time. 

Mrs. D. There ! When I told you we had plenty of time, 
you wouldn't let us eat our breakfast. 

Doon. It's much better to be here early. We can look at the 
depot. (Tf/ Josephine.) Very well, my daugliter, are you con- 
tented ? Here we are started. In a few moments more and rapid 
as the arrow from the bow — we throw ourselves through Manny- 
unk — on, on to Niagara. Have you brought the opera-glass ? 

Mrs. D. Yes, certainly. 

Jos. Now I don't mean to reproach you, but for more than 
two years you have promised me this trip. 

DooN. My child, it was necessary that I should watch the 
market — what fluctuations in mess, what capers in sides, what 
jumps in wdiole hogs. A merchant can't leave his exchange as 
easily as a young miss can her boarding-school. Then I waited 
that your school-days might terminate, in order to complete 
your education by causing to shine before your eyes the grandest 
spectacle in all nature. 

]\Irs. D, Come, Dooner, are vou going to continue in that 
stvle ? 



DOOXER S TRIP. 5 

DooN. What? 

MrvS. D. Making speeches in a depot.- 

Doox. I don't make speeches. 1 school the imagination of 
our daughter. {Taking a memorandum-boolc from ^pocket.) See, 
my child, behold ! a dairy. I mean a da-iry— no, adi-ary that I 
have bought for you. 

Jos. "What for, papa ? 

DooN. To write on one side our expenses, and on the other our 
impressions. 

Jos. What impressions ? 

DooN. Our impressions of the trip. You write and I will 
dictate. 

Mrs. D. How ? You are going to make an author of yourself 
now ? 

Doox. It isn't a matter of making myself an author. I may 
have had literary aspirations in the past. The lluctuations in 
the pork market have subdued them. But it appears to me that 
a man of the w^orld might have thoughts, ideas, impressions 
more or less brilliant, and might be able to recall them through 
a da-iry — no, a di-ary. 

Mrs. D. That'll be huge. 

DooN. (Aside.) That's the way she is every time that she 
doesn't get her tea the moment she's out of bed. 

Employee. {Eiders from arcli i/p.) Mister, here are your 
trunks. Do you want to get them checked ? 

Doox. Certainly, certainly ; but not before I've counted them. 
Because when you know how many — One -two — three — four 
— five — six— my wife, seven, my daughter, eight, and myself, 
nine. We are nine pieces. 

Emp. Come ahead. 

Doox. Let's hurry. {Going,) 

Emp. ISTot that way — this way. 

Doox. All right. {To the ladies.) YVait for me there. Don't 
stir, don't get lost. ]^Exit, 

Jos. Poor papa, what trouble he gives himself ! 

Mr&. D. He's like a hen on a hot griddle. 

HoR. {Enters. Porter follows icith Mgyage.) I don't know 
yet where I go. Wait ! {Seeing Josephixe.) It is she. I 
have not been mistaken. {He salutes Josephixe, icho hoivs.) 

Mrs. D. {To Josephixe.) Who is that gentleman ? 

Jos. It's a young man with whom I danced last week at Mrs. 
Timmerhouse's reception. 

Mrs. D. Ah ! Mrs. Timmerhouse's. {Boies to Horace.) 

HoR. {Boicing.) Mrs. Dooner. Miss Josephine. What a 
happy coincidence 1 The ladies are about to leave ? 

Mrs. D. Yes, sir. 

HoR. Going to New York, without doubt ? 

Mrs. D. No, sir. 

HoR. To Long Branch, perhaps ? 



6 D002h"ER's teip. 

Mrs. D. ISTo, sir. 

HoR. Pardon, madam, I thought if my services — 

Emp. Mister, you've just got time to get your baggage 
checked. 

HoR. That's so. (Aside.) I thought I'd be able to find out 
where they were going before baying my ticket. {Saluting.) 
Mrs. Dooner. Miss Josephine. (Aside.) They leave, that's the 
principal thing. (To Employee.) Come on. [Exit through arch. 

[Mrs. SpoopejsDyke and Clara enter hastily fart icay^ as though 

watching. ] 

Mrs. S. I told j^ou, Clara. It's Mr. Walbridge. 

Cla. Yes, Aunty. My I it's absurd. [Exit loth. 

Mrs. D. He's very good looking. 

[Enter y^ uAjIE^ folloiced ly Coachman.] 

Will. Carry my valise to the baggage-master. I will follow. 
(Employee exits.) (Perceiving Josephine.) It is she. (Boies.) 

Mrs. D. Who is that gentleman ? 

Jos. It's another young man who danced with me at Mrs. 
Timmerhouse's reception. 

Mrs. D. Mrs. Timmerhouse's. (Boies.) 

Will. (Bowing.) Mrs. Dooner. Miss Josephine. What a 
happy coincidence. The ladies are going to leave ? 

Mrs. D. Yes, sir. 

Will. The ladies are going to Kew York, without doubt ? 

Mrs. D. No, sir. 

Will. To Long Branch, probably. 

Mrs. D. (Aside.) Just like the other. (Aloud.) No, sir. 

Will. Pardon, madam, I thought if my services — 

Mrs. D. (Aside.) Mrs. Timmerhouse's young men are all alike. 

Will. (Aside.) I haven't advanced very mucli. I will check 
my baggage and then return. (Boicing.) Mrs. Dooner. Miss 
Josephine. [Exit l. 1 e. 

[Mrs. Spoopexdyke and Clara enter as he/ore.] 

Mrs. S. There, didn't I tell you, Clara, it's Mr. Pittenhouse ? 

Cla. Yes, Aunty. My! It's absurd. [Exit loth. 

Mrs. D. That's a very good-looking young man. But what 
on earth is your father doing ? My feet ache standing here. 

HucK. (Enters. Aside.) I was mistaken, the train does not 
leave for an hour yet. 

Jos. Hah ! Mr. Hucklestone. 

HucK. (Aside.) Here they are at- last. 

Mrs. D. How do you come to get away from the sugar-re- 
finery ? 

Huck. I demanded leave of absence. My dear madam, I 
didn't want to let you go away without saying good-by. 

Mrs. D. How ? That's why you came. It's very kind. 



DOONER S TRIP. 7 

HucK. ButI don't see Dooner. 
- Jos. Papa is busy with tl]e baggage. 

DooN. {Enters arch.) The tickets first. All riglit. 

HucK. All, here he is. Good morning, old friend. 

DooN. (Very dusy.) Ah, it's j^ou I You are very kind to 
come to see me off. Pardon, i must get my tickets. (.He leaves 
Mm.) 

HccK. He is polite. 

DooN. (7'o Official.) Mister Conductor, Mister Agent, 
Mister General Superintendent, they won't check my baggage 
before I have bought ray tickets. 

Off. (Aixh up.) It isn't open — wait. 

DooN. Wait, and over there they told me to hurry. ( Coming 
front.) I'm bothered. 

Mrs. D. And my feet ache standing here. 

DooN, Very well, sit down. Don't you see there are benches. 
You are very good to stand there like two posts. Why don't 
you sit down ? 

Mrs. D. You yourself told us not to stir. You are insup- 
portable. 

DooN. jN"ow, Caroline. 

Mrs. D. Your trip ! I've had enough of it already. 

DooN. It's easy to see that you haven't had your tea. There, 
now, go sit doAvn. 

Mrs. D. (^Sitting icith Josephine.) Very well, but hurry 
yourself. 

HucK. (Aside.) A nice little family. 

Boon. (ToUvck.) She's always like that when she misses 
her tea in the morning. You good Hucklestone ! It was very 
neat, your coming to see us off. 

HucK. Yes. I wanted to talk to you about a little business. 

Boon. And my baggage resting there on a truck. I'm very 
uneasy. (Aloud.) You good, kind Hucklestone ! It was very 
amiable for you to see us off. (Aside.) I must go there. 

HucK. I want to ask a little favor of you. 

Boon. Of me ? 

HucK. I'm a little pressed, and if you are willing to advance 
me three hundred dollars. 

Boon. Now here ? 

IIucK. I believe I've always paid you the money that you 
have lent me. 

Boon. It's no matter about that. 

HucK. I beg your pardon. I believe it should be considered. 
My month's salary of $125 is due in four weeks, and in two 
months after that I shall have $250 more due, and if you haven't 
confidence in me I will give you an order. 

Boon. Nonsense, are you a fool ? 

HucK. (Dryly.) Thank you. 

Boon. Why do you come to me to ask this, just at the mo- 



8 dooner's trip. 

ment I am about leaving? I have drawn exactly the money 
necessary for my trip. 

HucK. If that's your style, let me say no more about it. I 
will address a banker Tvho demands a half per cent a month of 
me. I shan't die. 

Doox. (With pocl'etlool\) See, don't feel so bad. There — 
there it is, $300. But don't speak about it before my wife. 

HucK. {ToMng the money,) I understand. She's so stingy. 

DooN. How ? stingy ! 

HucK. I mean to say that she has ideas of her own. 

DooN. It's necessary to have, mv friend, it's necessarv. 

HucK. {Dryly.) Well, that's $300 that I owe you." Good- 
by. {Aside.) What a bother about $300. And they go to 
Magara. Pork-packers ! Humph I [Exit l. 1 e. 

Doox. All right, he's gone. He didn't even say thank you I 
But at the bottom I believe he loves me. {Seeing the ticket office 
open.) Ah ! jingo, they are selling the tickets. {He throic shim- 
self into the line.) 

Traveller. Pay attention, sir. 

Emp. Take your tarn. Mister, you there. 

Doo:js. And my baggage, and my wife. {Talcing end of line.) 

[Colonel and Joseph enter ^ the latter icith a lag.] 

CoL. You understand me ? 

Jo. Yes, my commander. 

Col. And if she asks where I am, when I will return, you 
answer that you know nothing about it. I never want to hear 
speak of her again. 

Jo. Yes, my commander. 

CoL. You say to Ida that all is at an end. Completely fin- 
ished. 

Jo. Yes, my commander. 

Doox. I've got my tickets now for the baggage. [Exit, 

Col. You understand me thoroughly? 

Jo. Begging your pardon, my commander, it's do use your 
going. 

Col. Why? 

Jo. Because, when he returns, my commander will resume 
with Miss Ida. 

CoL. Oh I 

Jo Then it's money in your pocket, not to quit her. These 
little differences always cost something to my commander. 

CoL. Ah ! this time it's serious. Ida has spumed my affec- 
tion and the kindness I have shown her. 

Jo. They say that she ruins you. my commander. There wms 
another nigger minstrel came this morning ; and tlie nigger 
minstrels are like the army-worms when they commence to come. 

CoL. On my return I will arrange all my affairs. Good-by. 

Jo. Good-by, my commander. 



DOONEll's TEIP. 9 

Col. iGoing and returning.) You will write me at Clifton, 
Canada. You will tell me all the news about your health. 

Jo. {Flattered.) My commander is very kind. 

CoL. And afterward you will tell me if any one feels cha- 
-^rined at my departure ; if any one cries— weeps — sheds tears? 

Jo. Who, who, my commander ? 

Col. By heavens ! she, Ida. 

Jo. You will take her back, my commander ? 

CoL. Never. 

Jo. This makes the eighth time. It gives me pain to see a 
brave man like you harassed by creditors and for whom— for a — 

CoL. Never mind, all right, give me my valise and write me at 
Clifton, to-morrow, or this evening. Good-by. 

\^Exit arch up, 

Jo. Good luck, my commander. {Aside.) HeUl be back 
before a week. Oh ! my commander. [^Exit 1 l. 

Mils. D. {Coming forward.) I'm tired of waiting. 

DooN. {Enters.) Well, at last the thing is done. I've got 
my tickets and I've got my checks. 

Mrs. D. Thank patience ! 

PoRTEK. Sir, don't forget the Porter if you please. 

DooN. O yes ; wait. {He 'brings Ms -wife and daughter near.) 
Wliat do you think I ought to give him ; ten cents ? 

[ Gong ready, 

Mrs. D. Fifteen. 

Jos. A quarter. 

DooN. Very well, a quarter goes. Take it, my boy. 

Porter. Thank you, sir. 

DooN. One moment, Josephine. Take your d-a — di-ary and 
Vv'rite. 

Mrs. D. Already ! 

DooN. Expenses : Carriage, a dollar fifty ; railroad, $33.75 ; 
porter, 25 cents. 

Jos. It's done. 

DooN. Wait — impressions. 

Mrs. D. He's positively insupportable. 

DooN. Adieu, Philadelphia, City of Brotherly Love, where 
every man's heart and hand — {Gong sounds. People hurry in.) 

Mrs. D. There's the bell. You'll make us miss the train. 

DooN. Come along, we will finish that later. {They hurry in.) 

[Horace and Willie loth run in and hit each other at opposite 
sides in front of ticket hole.] 

AViLL. Take care there. 
HoR. Pay attention yourself. 
Will. {Astonished.) Horace ! 
HoR. Why, W^iU I 
Will. Tou are leaving ? 
HoR. This instant, and you ? 



10 D002^'EK's tkip. 

Will. I also. 

Hon. That's delightful. We'll take the trip together. I 
have got some excellent cigars. And where are you going ? 

Will. My dear boy, I don't know yet. 

HoR. Ha ! that's odd. No more do I. I have taken a ticket 
as far as Elmira. 

Will. Indeed I and so have 1. I am in pursuit of a charming 
young lady. 

HoR. Hello ! So am I. 

Will. The daughter of a pork-packer. 

HoR. Dooner ? 

Will. Dooner. 

HoR. It's the same lady. 

Will. But I love her, my dear Horace. 

HoR. I love her just as much, my dear Will. 

Will. I want to marry her. 

HoR. I — I am going to ask her hand, which is about the 
same thing. 

Will. But we can't both marry her. 

HoR. It's forbidden in Philadelphia. 

Will. What shall we do ? 

HoR. It's very simple. Since we are on the same journe}^, let 
us gayly continue our trip — try to please, to make her love us, 
each one for himself. 

Will. {Smiling.) Then it's a tournament ? 

HoR. A loyal battle, and friendly. If you are the conqueror, 
I will bow my head. If I succeed, you yield gracefully to me. 
Is it a bargain ? 

Will. Bravo ! I accept. 

HoR. The hand before the battle. 

Will. And the hand and heart after. Shake hands. {Go for 
ticlcets.) 

[Enter Mrs Spoopendyke and Clara.] 

Mrs. S. Now I hope you arc satisfied, Clara. 

Clara. Yes, Aunty. My ! it's absurd. 

Mrs. S. I had no sooner determined to follov/ this millionaire 
pork-packer to Niagara, for I learned where he was going, than 
I find Mr. Walbridge and Mr. Rittenhouse in pursuit. 

Clara. Yes, Aunty. My ! it's quite absurd. 

Mrs. S. Yf hat are they after ? I ask myself. They don't 
want to get him to take shares in a mine. I do. I want to 
monopolize the entire mining operations of the Dooners, What 
is their little game, Clara ? 

Clara. Yes, Auntv. 

Mrs. S. I tumbled*: 

Clara. What, Aunty ? 

Mks. S. I tumbled to their precious dodge. 

Clara. Peihaps. 



dooner's trip. 11 

Mrs. S. Dooner is ricL. Dooner has a daughter, an only 
daughter. They are both after Josephine. 

Clara. Why, it's absurd ! 

Mrs. S. They are both eligible, rich, good-looking. 

Clara. Very. 

Mrs. S. One of them will get refused. 

Clara. I should hope so. 

Mrs. S. a man piqued with a refusal jumps at the next giil 
he sees. 

Clara. Yes. 

Mrs. S. And there is your chance, my dear. 

Clara. My, Aunty, it's absurd ! 

Mrs. S. We follow. We cultivate the Dooners, and when 
the precious moment arrives you shall be Mrs. Walbridge or 
Mrs. Rittenhouse. And I — I shall dispose of some shares in 
the new mine. 

Boon. {Enters.) I tell you that I've got time. 

HoR. Hold ! Our f ather-in-law\ ' [ Gong ready. 

Boon. {To loolc-stall.) Young woman, I want a book for my 
wife and my daughter, a book that doesn't talk about love, 
nor money, nor politics, nor marriage, nor death. 

HoR. {Aside.) " Robinson Crusoe. " 

Bookman. I've got it. Here you are, sir. {Giving looTc.) 

Doox. {Beading.) The History of the Permanent Exposition 
Twenty-five cents. You svfear to me that — {Bell sounds, 
he runs.) Good-da}^ 

Will. Follow him. 

HoR. Follow, follow. I wish I knew where we are going. 

Mrs. S. Follow him. Follow them, Clara. 

[Bassengers hurry in with satchels, etc, \ 

Dooner. {Beturning.) Adieu, Philadelphia, City of Broth- ! 
erly Love — (Gong sounds.) ^ 

Tel. Boy. Telegraphs to all parts of the world. Rate to 
New York only fifteen cents ! 



ACT II. 

SCENE. — Niagara Falls on the Canada side. The water on the 
Canada side rolls over the ledge ichich rakes from l. to c. u. s. 
The American fall iioiirs over^ facing ii. c. The hm^izon discloses 
the milage of Niagara in the distance. Hotels, etc. Tiny Amer- 
ican flags, Ooat Island, foliage, rocJcs, etc. AgroundraicofhroJcen 
stone and shruWery mashs the fall, l)ehind ichich rises the vapor 
from the falls, and against ichich is tliroicn arahibow. The dis- 
tant sky is of a deep transparent hlue, which worlcs icith lights 
dozen for i^ain-storm. At right u. s. is a small shed with door 
practiccdjle, lahelled ' ' Under the Falls. ' ' 

A two-story huilding tvith piazza, practicable door, exterior la7nps 
(unlighted), sign '* Museum Hotel,'''' from r. prosceniuin to third 
entrance. A taUe and some chairs are in front of the hotel. An 
English flag from top of hotel. 

A high ornamental garden wcdl skirts the left from proscenium 
to third entrance, behind ichich are trees omcl shrubbery. 

^W° This scene, conceded by excellent judges one of the most 
effectite, will be patented. The cost of construction is ex- 
tremely moderate. Invented in all details by leonard Grover, 

[Enter at rise around corner of hotel, Horace, Willie, Mrs. 
Spoopendyke, Clara, Landlord, ct?id Guide.] 

I Land. Will the ladies and gentlemen have something else ? 
I HoR. Some coffee presently. 

Op. Won't the ladies and gentlemen have their pictures taken 
with the falls for a background ? 

Indian Saleswoman. Will the ladies have any bead-work, 
moccasins, slippers, belts, caps, lamp-mats, fans, all made by the 
Indians ? 

Another. Will the ladies and gentlemen see the panorama of 
the winter views of the falls, grand and imposing ? 

HoR. I've no doubt, imposing ; most everything here has been 
so far. [TouTERS exit. 

Mrs. S. (To Clara, aside.) Clara, the Dooners have gone 
above the falls to look at the rapids. 

Cla. I know it, Aunty. 

Mrs. S. We waste our time here. The refusal comes from 
them. Our place is there. 

('la. Very well. 

Mrs. S. Besides, Dooner is lecturing Josephine on the geology 
of the falls. He likes us to listen. From geology to mining is 
an easy step. Come. 



dooxer's tkip. 13 

Cla. My, Aunty, it's so absurd ! [Exit loth, 

AViLL. Landlord, give the driver something to drink. 

Land. This way, sir. [Both exit round corner, 

HoR.. Will, old fellow. 
^ Will. My dear boy. 
' HoR. The siege is laid, and we have commenced the attack. 

Will. We came in the same car with the Dooner family. 

HoR. At Elmira we were at the same hotel. 

Will. So were the Spoopendykes. 

HoR. And again at Rochester. 

Will. So were the Spoopendykes, 

HoR. You proposed the Genesee Falls. 

Will. We arrived together at Niagara. 

HoR. And every time we met in a new place the papa ex- 
claimed, " What a fortunate coincidence ! " 

Will. Last night you learned that they were going to the 
Canada side ; this morning you aroused me with the sun like a 
thoroughbred. 

HoR. That's our programme ; hunt the game loyally. Yfill 
you join me in an omelette ? 

Will. Thanks, my dear boy. I ought to tell you that at 
Eochester Miss Dooner looked at me distinctly three times. 

HoR. And me, four 

Will. The deuce ! This is getting serious. 

HoR. I believe she prefers us both. This may go on a long 
time before she makes a choice ; luckily, w^e are men of leisure. 

Will. Ah ! explain how you are able to keep away from your 
sugar-refinery so long. 

IIoR. Oh, advantage of partners. One is at Cape May, 
another at Newport. We have faithful men, and the rej&ner}'" 
runs itself. But you, a banker, it appears to me that you travel 
a great deal. 

Will. Oh, our banking-house doesn't occupy me much. My 
capital represents me. I am a banker — 

HoR. Amateur ! 

Will. I haven't, like you, a fall trade that I must get ready 
for. 

HoR. That's so. Therefore, from this on, we make war in 
earnest. 

Will Very well. War be it, but like two friends. I had 
for a moment the idea to yield the place to you ; but I love Jo- 
sephine seriously. 

HoR. I was going to make you the same sacrifice. At Elmira 
I had half a mind to yield to you and flirt with Clara, but Jo- 
sephine— 

Will. She is so pretty. 

HoR. So sweet. 

Will. So blonde. 

Hoii. And eyes I 



14 DOONEll's TKir. 

Will. Just as I love tliem. 

HoR. Therefore I remained. 

AViLL. You coulclo't do otherwise. (Blses,) 

HoR. Good hjck to you. It's a pleasure to have you for an 
adversary, olcl fellow. 

Will. My dear Horace I (Going.) 

HoR. Where are you going ? 

Will. No particular place. I think I'll go out and meet the 
ladies. 

HoR. And the coffee. 

Will. I w^on't take any. Au revoir. [E.vit l. n. 

IIOR. What an excellent hoy he is ! all heart, all fire ; but 
lieart and fire won't fill a man's stomach healthily. lie has gone 
without taking his coffee. Hallo I Waiter ! 

Land. Sir. 

HoR. The coffee. (The Landlord brinrjs it. Horace lights 
a cigar.) 

Land. It is served, sir. (Horace talces seat at talJe r. andjnits 
one leg on Will's chair.) 

HoR. Bring up that other chair. That will do. (He jnits the 
other leg vp.) Thanks. Poor Will ! He hunts on the go, under 
the broiling sun, and I — I wait who will reach the goal first. 
We have the fable of the hare and the tortoise. 

Land. (Bringing register.) Sir, would you like to write 
something in the visitors' book ? 

HoR. I — I never write after my meals — seldom before. Here 
vre see the delicate and ingenious thoughts of the visitors. 
(Beading.) ''It is fine to admire the grandeur of the water, 
surrounded by your wife. Signed, W. V. Cake, Bakersville." 
" Surrounded by your wife" is good ! '^Traveller, pause. Don't 
forget the Mastodon Harmonists at Brock Hall to-night." 
Working in a little business. " The view from this side is sub- 
lime. Myself and family had our pictures taken in the act of 
looking at it. Cyrus Thompson, Wheatville." Oh! what stupid 
donkeys my countrymen are when they travel. (Cries and tu- 
midticithout.) . [Music, shorty hurry. 

Land. Oh I ray heavens I 

HoR. What's the matter ? 

[DooNER u. L. enters sustained hy his wife and. the guide and Mrs. 
Spoopendyke and Clara and Will. J 

Will. Quick. Some brandy ! 
HoR. What has happened ? 
Jos. My father barely escaped being drowned. 
HoR. Is it possible ? 

DooN. . (Seated.) Caroline, Josepliine ! Ah ! I feel ])ettcr 
now. 

Mrs. S. Thank Heaven ! 

Jos. {Giving him the glass.) Drink! that will do you good. 



DOONEK S TKIP. lo 

DooN. Thanks. 

Mes. D. It's all your fault ; you ought not to have gone near 
the rapids. 

DooN. I Yfas testing the velocity of the water, when my feet 
slipped. 

Jos. And if Mr. Rittenhouse hadn't caught him in another 
instant he would have been in the rapids. 

Mes. D. He was there. The rapids were rolling him and 
bobbing him like a cork. We shrieked for help. 

Jos. Then Mr. Willie stretched out his hand. 

Cla. With such courage and coolness. 

Mes. D. You are our saviour. Without you my husband, my 
poor husband, w^ould have gone over the falls to Heaven. 
(Weeiys.) 

Will. The danger is past. Mrs. Dooner, be calm. 

Mes. D. No. {Weeimig.) It does me good to cry. You 
leave the velocity alone, won't you ? You don't love us. 

Jos. {To Will.) Permit me to express to you our deepest 
thanks. I shall treasure a remembrance of this day all my life. 
( Goes to him and takes Ms liand. ) 

Will. Ah ! Miss Josephine ! 

DooN. Y^es, yes, Mr. Rittenhouse. No — let me call you 
Willie. 

Will. Why, certainly, Mr, Dooner. 

DooN. Willie, give me your hand. I don't know how to ex- 
press it. But as long as it beats, you will have a place in the 
heart of Dooner. I can only say that, but what I feel — 

Mes. D. I thank you, Mr. Willie. 

Jos. I thank you, Mr. Willie. 

Will. Miss Josephine. 

Hoe. {Aside.) I commence to think I did wrong in taking 
my coffee. 

Mes. S. {To Claea.) You will be Mrs. Walbridge, my dear. 
{To Landloed.) You can order our carriage and we wdll re- 
turn. 

Cla. My, Aunty, it's so absurd ! [Exit loitli Mes. S. 

Mes. D. Y^ou can order our carriage and we wdll return. 

DooN. Not at all, my dear. I don't feel the slightest incon- 
venience from the w^et. And I want to go under the falls. 
They say that's a damp trip, and — 

Land. I can give the gentleman some clothes, and dry his 
own while he goes under tiie falls. 

DooN. Good ! Take me to them at once. 

Land, This way, sir. 

Mes. D. Come, j)apa. Au re voir, Mr. Rittenhouse. 

Jos. Au revoir, Mr. Rittenhouse. 

DooN. Ah, Willie I {Offering hand.) While this— No, I'm 
too wet. [All four exit into hotel. 

Yf ILL. What do you think of that, my dear Horace ? 



16 DOONEr's TKIP. 

HoR. '^Yhafc can I ? It's in the air. You saved the father's 
life. It wasn't in the programme. 

Will. It was a lucky chance. 

Hon. The papa calls you Willie, the mother weeps, and the 
daughter addresses you sentimentally. I am vanquished, it's 
clear, and I can do nothing but gracefully concede you the vic- 
tory. 

Will. Oh, old fellow, you're joking. 

HoR. I joke so little that to-night I leave for Philadelphia. 

Will. Indeed I 

HoR. Where on your return you willlind a friend who wishes 
you every success. 

Will. Thanks. 

HoR. One last regret ! 

Will. Ah, pardon, old fellow. I will not permit you to 
make this sacrifice. 

HoR. Sacrifice? Listen, my dear bo}^ I do not make you the 
slightest sacrifice. If I leave the field, it's because I believe I 
have no chance. And even now, should a chance offer, no 
matter how small, I remain. 

Will. Ah! 

HoR. It's strange, since Josephine escapes me, it appears to 
me that I love her more than ever. 

Yv^iLL. I can understand that ; so I will not ask of you the 
service I had intended. 

IIoR. What ? 

Will. No, nothing. 

HoR. Speak, I beg. 

Will. I had thought, since you were going, to beg you to see 
Mr. Dooner, and in conversation to touch upon my position and 
my hopes. 

HoR. The deuce I 

Will. I can't do it myself. I should have the appearance of 
claiming a price for the service I rendered him. 

HoR. In effect, you want me to ask Josephine's hand for you. 
That is original, don't you know ? 

Will. You decline the honor ? 

HoR. No, Will, I accept. 

Will. Tlianks, old friend. 

HoR. Agree that I am a generous rival. (Dooner's Toice 
lieard.) 1 hear the father-in-law. Go, smoke a cigar, and re- 
turn. 

Will. I don't know how to thank tou, my dear fellow. 

IIoR. Take it easy. I shall draw it mild. [Will exits l. u. 

Doox. (Enters speahing off.) Certainly he saved my life, 
certainly he did. And as long as it beats, tlie heart of Dooner — 
I told him. 

HoR. Ah, ]Mr. Dooner, you feel better ? 

Doox. Very much. I am going to drink three fingers of Can* 



doonek's tkip. 17 

ada brandy, and I shall skip down the stah's under the falls. 
But wixere's your friend ? 

HoR. He's taking a little walk. 

DooN. He's a brave young man. My wife and daughter wor- 
ship him. 

Hoii. Oh, when they know him better — a heart of gold, oblig- 
ing, devoted, and modesty itself. 

DooN. Modesty is rare. 

Hon. And as he's a banker — he is a banker. 

DooN. Indeed ! 

HoR. Partner in the house of Bombax, Traquire & Co. It's 
flattering to have a fellow's life saved by a banker, eh ? Be- 
cause he did save your life, eh I eh ! Without him — 

DooN. Certainly, certainly I It was very genteel in him. 

HoR. (Astonished.) Genteel ? 

DooN. Certainly, quite genteel. You wouldn't underrate the 
merit of his action, would you ? 

HoR. I underrate him ? 

DooN. My gratitude will end only with my life. That's it. 
As long as the heart of Dooner beats. But, between us, the 
little assistance he gave me was not so great as my wife and 
my daughter imagine. 

HoR. {Astonisfied.) Nonsense ! 

Doox. Yes, they have got it on the brain. You know these 
women — 

HoR. But when Will caught you, you were rolling in the 
rapids ? 

DooN. I commenced to roll in the rapids, yes, that's true, I 
rolled, but with a presence of mind astonishing. I perceived 
an elderberry bush leaning over the water ; I raised my hand, 
and was just about to grab it wdien your friend seized me. 

HoR. {Aside.) Ha, ha 1 w^e shall soon find that he saved his 
own life. 

DooN. Oh, I think none the less of his good intentions. I 
count on seeing him again, and to reiterate my thanks. I shall 
invite him some time this winter. 

HoR. {Aside.) To a cup of tea. 

Doox. It appears that this is not the first time that a similar 
accident has occurred. The landlord tells me that several 
years since, a gentleman attached to the suite of the Prince of 
Wales — the Prince — splendid man — belonged to the nobility, 
was rolling in the same rapids. 

HoR. Indeed ! 

DooN. His driver pulled him out. You see anybody can pull 
you out. Very well. The baronet — for I think he was a baro- 
net — gave him twenty dollars. 

IIoR. And ver3^ well paid. 

DooN. I believe you, for it's w^orth just about that. 

HoR. Not a cent more. {Aside.) Oh, but I don't leave for 
Philadelphia ! 



lb l>OONEK8 TKir. 

Doox. {Rising.) Where's the guide ? What keeps our guide ? 

HoR. Are the ladies ready ? 

Doox. No, they won't go under the falls. But I count upon 
you. 

HoR. And upon Tv^ill ? 

Doox. If he wishes to be one of us, I shall certainly not re- 
fuse the company of Mr. Rittenhouse. 

HoR. {Aside.) Mr. Rittenhouse I He's losing his grip. 
Oh, decidedly, I don't leave for Philadelphia I 

Land. {Enters.) Sir, the guide is ready. Here are your 
waterproofs. 

Doox. Ah, yes ! It appears that it streams, and that it's 
slippery down there, and as I don^t want to be under any 
further obligation — 

Laxd. {Giving the look.) Will the gentlemen write some- 
thing in the visitors' book ? 

Doox. Certainly. But I wouldn't care to Y%^rite anything or- 
dinary. I must think of something — a little idea, a pretty 
thought. {Giving hacJc look.) I will dream of it while I'm get- 
ting that three fingers of Canada brandy. {To Horace.) I am 
with you in a moment. [Exitfolloiced ly Laxdlord. 

HoR. {Alone.) The pork-packer is a paragon of ingratitude. 

Will. {Enters.) Yery well ? 

HoR. Poor boy ! 

Will. Have you seen him ? 

HoR. Yes. 

Will. Have you spoken with him ? 

HoR. I have spoken with him. 

Will. Then you made mv request ? 

HoR. No! 

Will. No ! Why ? 

HoR. We promised to be frank. Yery well, my dear Willie. 
I don't leave. 

Will. Ah, that makes a difference. May I ask what has 
changed your determination ? 

HoR. Something — or rather the lack of something — and I 
expect to use it. 

AViLL. Indeed ! 

HoR. I propose to take another road and arrive quicker. 

Will. All right. You are entitled to take it. 

HoR. But the tournament continues none the less loyal and 
amicable. 

Will. Yes. 

HoR. There's a '' yes " a little dry. 

Will. {Giving hand.) Pardon, Horace, I promise it. 

HoR. Fortune favor us I 

Doox. (Entering.) I ^m ready. Ah ! Mr. Rittenhouse. 

Will- You find yourself recovered from the effects of your 
wettino- ? 



DO oner's TFvIP^ 19 

DooN. Entirely. Don't speak of the little accident. It is 
forgotten. 

HoR. (Aside.) Forgotten, the rapids washed it away. 

DooN. We are going under the falls. Are you with us ? 

Will. I'm a little tired. I'll ask permission to remain here. 

DooN. Don't incommode yourself. (To Landlohd.) Ah, 
Mr. Landlord, now you may giv^e me the visitors' book. {Sits 
and tcrites.) 

Hon. (Aside.) He appears to have found his little thought, 
his pretty thought. 

DooN. (Beading.) " How small man, w^ith all his intellecfc, 
finds himself, when he stands on this side and looks Niagara in 
the face !" 

HoR. Heavens ! that's strong. 

Will. (Aside.) Flatterer. 

Do;>X- There are men who woaldn't think themselves small 
standing by the side of Niagara. (Modestly.) It isn't the 
opinion of the whole of mankind. 

HoR. (Aside.) Neither is the orthography. He has written 
Niagara Nig-er-y. 

DooN. (To Lakdlord, aloiit to close looJc.) Take care. It 
isn't dry yet. 

Land. The guide is ready. 

Doox. Forward ! Under the falls. 

HoR. Forward I [Both exit with guide doicn falls. 

Will. What a singular change in the mind of Horace ! The 
ladies are here. They will be out before long. I shall see her. 
I shall speak to her. 

Land. (Entering.) This way, sir. 

Col. (Entering.) I sha'n't stay but a minute. I start di- 
rectly to take a look at the falls. Order a glass of brandy and 
water for Colonel Calhoun Bumgartner. 

Land. Yes, sir. Colonel Calhoun Baumgartner. [Exit. 

Col. (Seeing loolc.) Ah, the visitors' book. Let us see. 
(Beading.) " How small man, w^ith all his intellect, finds him 
self, when he stands on this side and looks Niggery in the face." 
Behold a gentleman who merits a lesson in spelling. ' ' ( Writes 
in 'booh.) 

Land. (Enters with glass.) Ready, sir. A letter for you, sir. 
(He pauses near table at r.) 

Col. For me ? (Opens letter.) Beads : '^ She didn't shed a tear, 
O my commander — " (Hides it^ chagrined.) 

Land. Anything else ? 

Col. ( While icriting in loolc.) Ah, Mr. Landlord. 

Land. Sir. 

Col. Tou don't happen to have among the persons who 
have stopped with yon this morning a visitor named William 
Bittenhoiise 1 

Will. That is my name, sir. 



20 DO oner's trip. 

Col. You, sir, j)ardon me. (To Landlord.) Leave us. 
{Exit Landlord.) Is it Mr. William Eittenhouse, of the firm 
of Bombax, Traquire & Co., Philadelphia, to whom I have the 
honor of speaking ? 

Will. Yes, sir. 

Col. I am Colonel Baumgartner, of the Louisiana Tigers. 
{Sits and drirJcs.) 

Will. Enchanted. But I don't remember to have the ad- 
vantage of your acquaintance, Colonel. 

Col. Indeed. Then permit me to acquaint you with the fact 
that you have pursued me out of my country into Canada on ac- 
count of a check that I had the imprudence to put in circulation. 

Will. A check ? 

Col. You have obtained a warrant for my arrest. 

Will. It's possible. Colonel. But it is not I ; it is the House 
who act. 

Col. I presume. Very well. I hold no resentment against 
you nor your House. I am a bad book-keeper. I thought I had 
the money when I drew the check. It appears I had not. Only 
permit me to tell you that I didn't leave Philadelphia on ac- 
count of your w^arrant. 

Will. I don't doubt it. 

CoL. On the contrary, as soon as I arrive in Philadelphia in 
a fortnight, perhaps sooner, I shall make it known to you, and 
I shall be infinitely obliged if you will have me put in Moya- 
mensing just as soon as possible. 

Will. You are using a little pleasantry. Colonel. 

Col. ISTot the least in the world. I ask it of you as a favor. 

Will. I assure you that I don't quite comprehend your idea. 

Col. My heavens ! I am myself a little embarrassed in ex- 
plaining. Pardon me, are you a bachelor ? 

Will. Yes, Colonel. 

Col. Oh, then, I can make my confession. I have the misfor- 
tune to have a weakness. I am in love. 

Will. You? 

Col. It's very ridiculous, isn't it, at my age ? 

W^iLL. I don't say that. 

Col. Oh, don't disguise it. lam stuck on a little fool that I 
met one evening at a ball in Sansom Street. She is named Ida. 

Will. Ida — I think I know — one. 

Col. Probably the same. I thought to amuse myself for a 
little wiiile, and now, for three years, she holds me as a cat 
does a mouse. She deceives me, she ruins me, she laughs in 
my face. I pass my life in buying furniture vvdiich she sells the 
next day. I want to quit her. I leave. I go to two Imndred 
places. I arrive at JSTiagara, and I am not sure that I don't re- 
turn to Philadelphia to-night. It's stronger than I am. Love 
at fifty. You see, it's like the rheumatism, nothing cures it. 

Will. {Laughing.) Colonel, I did not need this confidence 



DO oner's Trap. 21 

to stop the proceedings of my firm. I Tvill write immediately to 
Philadelphia — 

Col. Not at all. Don't write. I want to be imprisoned. It 
is perhaps a way to cure me of it. I have nothing else left to 
try. 
Will. But, Colonel— 

Col. No, imprison me, I beg. The ]nw is in my favor. 
Will. Very well, Colonel. As you wish it. 
Col. I beg it of you ; — instantly, as soon as I return, I will 
send you my address and you can proceed. I nm always at 
home before ten. {Bowing. Grosses to u. l.) Sir, I am happy 
to have the honor of making your acquaintance. 

Will. The honor is mine, Colonel. {They salute.. The 
Colonel exits l. u. e.) Such is life. Pie is not half a bad one. 
{Seeing Mrs. D., ulio enters.) Ah, Mrs. Dooner. 

Mrs. D. Ah, Mr. Rittenhouse. I thought you had accom- 
panied Mr. Dooner and the gentlemen. 

Will. I was under the falls last year, and I asked Mr. Doon- 
er's permission to place mself at your orders. 

Mrs. D. Ah, sir ! {Aside.) He is entirely a man of the 
world. {Aloud.) You admire Niagara very much ? 

Will. {Half yawning.) Oh! it's necessary to go somewhere. 

Mrs. D. I wouldn't like to live here always ; too much noise 
and mist. I like quiet. My family is from Bucks County. 

Will. Indeed ! 

Mrs. D. Near Doylestown. 

Will. {Aside.) We ought to have a correspondent at 
Doylestown ; we have. {Aloud.) Are you acquainted with Mr. 
Pepperhorn at Doylestown ? 

SIrs. D. {BuTjJTued.) Pepperhorn? He's my cousin. Are 
you acquainted with him ? 

Will. Intimatelyo {Aside.) I never saw him. 

Mrs. D. What a charming man ! 

Will. Yes, yes. 

Mrs. D. It is such a pity that he has his infirmity. 

Will. Certainly, it's a great pit}^ 

Mrs. D. Deaf at forty-seven. 

Will. {Aside.) Oh I he's deaf, our correspondent. That's 
the reason why he never answers our letters. 

Mrs. D. Isn't it singular that a friend of Pepperhorn's should 
save my husband's life ? There are very strange coincidences in 
the world. 

Will. Often also we attribute to coincidence circumstances 
of which it is entirely innocent. 

Mrs. D. {A little confused.) Ah I Oh, yes ! Often also we 
.ittribute — {Aside.) What did he try to say ? 

Will. Thus, madam, our meeting on the cars, and at Elmira, 
afterward at Rochester, and here. You imagine all that to be 
mere coincidence ? 



22 doonek's trip. 

Mks. D. Ill travelling we often meet. 

Will. Certainly. And especially when one seeks the other. 

Mrs. D. How ? 

Will. Yes, madam, I can no longer play the comedy of coin^ 
ciclence. I owe 3'ou the truth on your own account as well as 
your daughter s. 

Mrs. D. My daughter ? 

Will. You will pardon me. When I first met her I was 
touched, charmed. I learned that you were going to Niagara, 
and I — 

Mrs. D. You followed us. 

Will. Sometliing like it. What could I do ? I am in love. 

Mrs. D. Mr. Rittenhouse ! 

Will. Yes, madam, with all the respect, all the discretion 
that a gentleman owes to a young lady, whom he hopes to be 
happy enough to make his wife. 

Mrs. D. a marriage proposal, and Dooner not here. (Aloud.) 
Certainly, Mr. Rittenhouse, sir, I am charmed, flattered, because 
your position, your appearance, your education — Pepperhorn— 
the service you have rendered ; but Mr. Dooner is out, — under 
Niagara Falls, and as soon as he returns — 

Jos. (Enter lively.) Mamma. (Stopping.) Ah, you are con- 
versing with Mr. Rittenhouse. 

Mrs. D. (TrouUed.) We were conversing — that is, yes. 
We spoke of Pepperhorn. Mr. Willie knows Pepperhorn. Don't 
you ? 

Will. Certainly, I am acquainted with Pepperhorn. 

Jos. Oh I how fortunate. Uncle Pepperhorn ! 

Mrs. D. (To Josephine.) My child, how your hair is 
dressed, and your dress, your collar. (Low.) Arrange it. 

Jos. (Astonished.) What does all this mean? (Cries and 
twmidt tcithout. Music. Hurry.) 

Mrs. D. and Jos. Ah I Mv heavens I 

Will. What is it ? 

[Horace, sustained. Jry Dooner and Guide, enter.'] 

DooN. (Very excited.) Quick, some water, some salt, some 
vinegar, some brandy I 

All. What ails him ? 

DooN. A terrible accident I Make him drink ! Rub his 
temples I 

HoR. Thanks. I feel better. 

Will. What has happened to him ? 

HoR. But for the courage of Mr. Dooner. 

DooN. No, no, you mustn't speak. You are not strong enough. 
(Recounts.) It was horrible. We were at the very bottom of 
the steps under the Falls. Niagara poured above us, calm and 
majestic — 

iioii. (Aside.) Tlie bov stood on the burning deck. 



dooner's Trap. 23 

Mrs. D. But buriy, tell us. 

Jos. Fattier ! 

Doox. In an instant. What's the matter ? For five minutes 
we followed each other wrapped in pensive contemplation, Ni- 
agara pouring over us, calm and majestic, when suddenly we 
came upon two steps separated by a deep crevasse slippery with 
moss. I marched before — 

Mrs. D. What imprudence I 

DooN. All at once I heard behind me a noise, as though some- 
thing was falling. I turned. Mr. Wallbridge had disappeared. 
In an instant I returned. I saw him. He had fallen upon a 
ledge of rock below. Beyond which the boiling waters seethed 
to the distant bottom. The very look made me shudder. 

Mrs. D. Dooner I 

DooN. Then forgetting that I was the father of a familj^ — 
listeniug to nothing but bis danger — I threw myself — 

Mrs. D. and Jos. Heavens ! 

DooN. Upon my hands and knees I extended my hand to him 
— he grasped it. I pulled — he pulled — we both pulled. My fears 
redoubled my strength, and at last we brought him up insensi- 
ble, once more to the light of the sun, and under the broad blue 
of the heavens. {Putting his Jiandkerdiiefto his face.) 

Jos. O papa ! 

[Landlord, Photographer, r. ; Willie, Horace, c. ; Jos., 
Mrs. D., L.J 

Mrs. D. My poor Dooner ! 

DooN. {Emhracing his wife and daughter.) Yes, my children, 
it was a fortunate circumstance. 

Will. (J'*^ Horace.) How do you find yourself ? 

Hon. (Loio.) Very well — don't be uneasy. {Rising.) Mr. 
Dooner, you have brought back a son to his mother. 

DooN. {Majestically.) I have. 

HoR. A brother to his sister. 

DooN. And a man to society. 

HoR. Words lack power to recount such a service. 

DooN. They do. 

HoR. It is only the heart you understand — the heart — 

Doox. Mr. Walbridge. ]^o — let me call you Hoi'ace. 

HoR. With pleasure. {Aside.) Every one in his turn. 

Doox. (Tremljling icith affection.) Horace, my friend, my 
child, your hand. {Hand.) I owe to you the sweetest emotions 
of my life. But for me you would now be a shapeless mass on 
the rocks beneath the torrent. You owe me all — all. {Nobility/ 
crosses.) I shall never forget it, never I 

HoR. Nor 1 1 

DooN. {Crosses r. c.) {To Will.) Ah, young man, you 
don't know the pleasure one feels when he has saved his fellow 
creature. 



24: dooxer's trip. 

Jos. But, papa, he knows it well ; for only just now — 

DooN. Ah I Oh, yes ! That is true. Mister Landlord, bring 
me the visitor's book. 

[Willie k. corn€?\] 

Mrs. D. What for ? 

DooN. Before quitting these scenes I desire to consecrate by 
a sentiment the remembrance of this event. ^ 

Land. Here it is, sir. 

DooN. Thanks— Hai I What is this ? AYho wrote this ? 

All. What? 

DooN. ( Write this in hooJc.) {Reading.) I desire to observe to 
]\Ir. Dooner that if he wants to look niggery in the face he need- 
another g, but if ho means Niagara, one or two a's will do a?, 
well Signed, Col. Baumgartner. [Josephi2>^e crosses down R. c. 
to Doox. 

All. Hai ! What ? 

Jos. {Low to DooN.) Yes, papa, Niagara has not a y at the 
end. 

DooN. I know it. I will answer this gentleman. (Writing.) 
{Beading.) The Col. is a jackass. Signed, Dooner. {It rains.) 

Land. The carriage is ready. 

DooN. Let us start. Gentlemen, if vou will accept a place. 
{Both low.) 

Mrs. D. {Umbrella.) {Calling J)oo:ser aside.) Dooner, assist 
me with my shawl. {Low.) Some one proposed to marry Jo- 
sephine. 

Doox. Hai ! So they did to m.e also. 

Mrs. D. It was Mr. Willie Rittenhouse. 

DooN. My man was Horace — my friend Horace. 

3[rs. D. But it appears to me that Willie — 

DooN. We will talk of it later. 

Jos. My ! how it rains I 

DooN. The deuce ! How many will the carriage hold ? 

Land. Four inside, and one with the driver. 

DooN. That's just the number. 

Will. Don't inconvenience yourselves for me. 

DooN. Horace, take a seat with us. 

Jos. {Loio to Dooner.) And Mr. Rittenhouse ? 

DooN. My heavens ! there are only four seats. He can sit 
with the driver. 

Jos. In such a rain ? 

Mrs. D. a man who saved your life. 

DooN. I will lend him the umbrella. 

Jos. Ah! 

DooN. Come, come ! All aboard I 

HoR. {Aside.) No, I don't leave for Philadelphia. Not 
much ! 

[Enter from all sides Touters. WonH theladieshuy^ etc. Will 
the gentlemen, etc.\ 



DOONER S TRIP. 25 

Op. {With camera.) Won't the gentlemen have their pic- 
tures taken in the rain, with Falls for a background ? 

[ The speeches and action of the Toutees are simultaneous^ to malce 
curtain lively.] 

Curtain. 



ACT III. 

SCENE. — Parlor at Dooner's, richly furnished, doors r. & 
L. & c. Also L. 1st c. D. is main entrance from Jiall^ from street^ 
to dining-room and c. Door r., apartment of the Spoopen- 
DYKEs. Door L., apartment of Mrs. D., with Josephine's 
teyond. Door l. first leads to Dooner's Library. ChoArs^ sofas, 
oimaments, etc, TaMe c, icith writing materials and card-re- 
ceiver on it. 

Alice. {Alone, sitting in a chair.) A quarter to twelve to- 
day ]\Ir. Dooner returns from his trip with his wife and daugliter. 
I received a letter from him yesterda3\ Here it is. Long 
Branch, August 24th. Sweep out, dust and air the rooms. 
{Speahs.) It is done. {Reads.) Tell Mammy, the cook, to have 
dinner ready for us. Tell her to make some snapper soup, and 
as we have had nothing but hotel dinners for this long time, tell 
her to buy a couple of woodcock. See that they are quite fresh. 
If the w^oodcock are too dear, let her get a loin of veal with 
onions. {Speal:s.) Mr. Dooner can come ; everything is read3^ 
Here are his papers, his letters ; the cards of all the callers. 
Ah, there came this morning early a gentleman whose acquaint- 
ance is new to us. He told me his name was Colonel — Colonel 
{Reads card.) Bungstarter, there's a name for you. He can 
pass anywhere. {Bell rings.) Ah the bell. It's Dooner, I 
know his ring. 

[£^?i^6?* Dooner, Mrs. Dooner, and Josephine, carrying tneirjiar- 
cels and lags. Mrs. Spoopendyke and Clara. J 

DooN. Here we are, Alice. 

Al. Ah, sir ! Mrs. Dooner ! Miss Josephine I ( Talxs their 
things.) 

DooN. Ah, but it's sweet to return home again. Sweet 
home, be it ever so. Welcome, welcome I Alice, did you 
get the mosquito bar out ? 

Al. Yes, sir. 

Mrs. D. We ought to have been home a week ago. 

DooN. Long Branch led to Asbury Park, and Ocean Grove let 
us out. Has any one called expecting us ? 

(Mrs. Dooner shows Mrs. Sp.oopendyke and Clara into room 
right.) This ^vay, Mrs. Spoopendyke. [Exit all three. 

Al. Yes, sir. The cards are on the table. 

Doon. { 2 akijig cards, reads.) Ah! Will. Rittenhouse. 

Jos. {With joy.) Oh ! Mr. Rittenhouse I 
[Mrs. Dooner returns.] 






DOOM Ell's TKIP. 27 

DooN. (Reading other cards.) Horace Walbridge — cliarming 
young man. Will. Rittenliouse and Horace Walbridge. Mag- 
nificent young man, AYill. Rittenliouse. 

Al. The young men have been here every day to inquire. 

Mrs. D. You owe them a visit. 

DooN. Certainly — I shall call on him ; my splendid Horace ! 

Jos. And Mr. Rittenhouse. 

DooN. I shall go to see him also, later. (Rises.) 

Jos. (2'o Alice.) Help me to carry in these pictures. 

Al. Yes, Miss. (Regarding Dooner.) Sir, you have grow^n 
stouter. It's easy to see you've had a fine trip. 

DooN. Splendid, Alice, splendid. Ah, you don't know. I 
saved a man's life. 

Al. (Incredidoiis.) O sir ! Mr. Dooner ! Xonsense ! 

yExit tcith Josephine l. 

Doox. Hai, nonsense ! She's a fool. 

Mks. D. Now that we have returned, I hope you will decide 
between these young men. Two young men are one too many. 

DooN. I haven't changed my mind. I like Horace better. 

Mrs. D. Why ? 

DooN. I don't know why. I find him more — in fact, he 
pleases me. 

Mrs. D. But the other, Willie, saved your life. 

DooN. He saved my life. The same old story. 

Mrs. *D. What have you to object to in him ? His fam- 
ily is honorable ; his position excellent. 

DooN. My heavens ! I don't object to anytliing particularly. 
I don't care anything about him. 

Mrs. D. It only lacked that ! 

DooN. You see I find him a little overbearing. 

Mrs. D. What ? Mr. Rittenliouse overbearing ? 

DooN. He has the tone of a protector— a sort of I'11-take-care- 
of-you style. It seems to me that he never forgets the little 
service that he rendered. 

Mrs. D. The other repeats without cessation. "Oh, but for 
you ! Ah, but for you !" That flatters your vanity, and that 
is why you prefer him. 

Boon. Me — vanity ! I have perhaps the rifrlit to be vain. 

Mrs. D. Oh I 

DooN. Yes, madam, the man who has risked his life to save 
his fellow-creature ma}' well be proud of himself. But I prefer 
to maintain a modest silence. A style characteristic of true cour- 
age. 

Mrs. D. But that doesn't prevent Mr. Rittenliouse — 

DooN. Josephine doesn't love him. She can't love him. 

Mrs. D. What do you know about it ? 

DooN. Oh, I suppose — 

Mrs. D. There is one way to ascertain, and that is to question 
her. And we will agree on the one she prefers. 



28 DOOXER S TRIP. 

DooN. Good ! All right ! But don't influence her. 

Mks. D. Here she is. (Josephi]se enters i,. and comes down l. 
^'DooNER.) Josephine, my dear child, ^ye want to speak to 
you seriously. 

Jos. To me ? 

DooN. Yes. 

Mrs. D. You are now at an age to marry. Two young gen- 
tleman have presented themselves and asked for your hand. 
Both are satisfactory. But we don't wish to control your 
choice, and we have resolved to leave you at liberty to make 
your own. 

Jos. How so ? 

DooN. You pick and choose yourself. 

Mrs. D. One of the young men is Mr. Vrillie Rittenhouse. 

Jos. {Pleased.) Ah ! Indeed I 

DooN. {Quick,} Don't influence her. 

Mrs. D. The other is Mr. Horace Wallbridge. 

DooN. A chaiming young man, distinguished, spirituelle, and 
who, I do not liesitate to say, has all my sympathies. 

Mrs. D. But you are influencing her. 

DooN. Not at all. I state a fact. Now you are free. Choose ! 

Jos. You embarrass me very much. Which do you prefer ? 

DooN. Na, no. Clioose yourself. 

Mrs. D. Speak, my child. 

Jos. Very well ; since it's absolutely necessary to make a 
choice, I prefer Mr. Rittenhouse. 

Mrs. D. There I 

DooN. Rittenhouse ! Why not Horace ? 

Jos. But Mr, Rittenhouse saved your life, papa. 

DooN. There it goes again. It's tiresome. My heavens ! 

Mrs. D. Very well. You see it's no use hesitating longer. 

Doox. Ah, but permit me, my dear wife, a father cannot tiuis 
lightly throw off his obligations ! I will reflect. T will mak(^ 
some inquiries. 

Mrs. I). Mr, Dooner, tliat's not keeping faitli. 

DooN. Caroline ! 

[Mrs. Spoopexdyke cDid Clara return r., having removed wraps.] 

Cla. We are charmed with our rooms, Mrs. Dooner. {Bow 
and smile.) 

[HucKLESTOXE cuul Alice enter.] 

Al. Come in— they have just arrived. 

DooN. Plello I It's Hucklestone I 

HucK. {Bowing.) I learned that you were coming to-day. 
Therefore, I demanded leave of absence. I said that I was sick. 

DooN. My dear friend, that's very kind. {Introducing. JVIrs. 
Spoopendyke, Mtss Clara.) You dine with us. We have 
some woodcock. 



DO oxer's teip. 29 

HucK. Well, if I'm not in the way— 

Al. {Low to Doonee.) It's veal and onions. [Exit. 

DooN. Ah! (7'(9HucK.) Well, nevermind. Your excuse is 
sufficient. Another time. 

HucK. {Aside. Others iqx) How, my excuse ? If he thinks 
that I want his dinner. {I'aMjig Dooi^BH aside.) I came to speak 
you about the §300 you lent me the day you left. 

DooN. {Glad.) Ah, you have come to pay me, eh ? 

HucK. No ; I don't touch my salary till to-morrow — but at 
noon precisely. 

Doox. Oh, that doesn't press ! 

HucK. Excuse me, I want it paid. 

DooN. Ah, you must know I bought you a present. 

HucK. A present for me ? 

[Mrs. D. on the r., standing, faces off and up, tusy at a stand or 
etagere, hut turns quicJdy for her speeches, Josephine, similar 
'business, l. tj. s. The others seated. The adventure is told 
tcith gusto and spirit, each one apparently trying to have a 
word. ] 

[Cla., Doon., Huck., Mrs. S.] 

DooN. Oh, a little something to show that we thought of 
you while we were away. When we were at Niagara on the 
Canada side I bought a pin -cushion and a smoking-cap, all of 
velvet and bead-work, made by the Indians. Oh, lovely ! Then 
I heard that kid gloves were a gift on that side, so I bought a 
dozen of kid gloves — beauties. I said, the cushion is for the 
cook ; the lamp-mat for Alice, and the gloves for my old friend 
Hucklestone. 

Huck. {Aside.) Of course I come after the servants. {Aloud.) 
Well. 

Mrs. S. Our driver seemed a very nice fellow, only a lit- 
Ae too full of fun. The moment we started for the American 
side, he commenced to tell us to look out for the Custom House 
officers. You know he {indicating Dooner) is the soul of honor 
in business, but he didn't want to pay any duties on. such little 
things as them. 

Doox. The driver talked as though it would cost about $25. 
So I drove back to the Canada Hotel, went up to a room and 
stuck the pin-cushion in the top of my hat. 

Huck. And the gloves ? 

DooN. I put them in my bosom under my wrapper. 

Huck. That was a good idea. 

DooN. Wasn't it ? Well, as soon as we got in the carriage, 
that driver began about the Custom House duties ngain. 

Mrs. S. He said they came and asked questions of all car- 
riages, but if a man was on foot nothing was said to him. 

DooN. The day was awful hot, and he said so much abcut it 
that I got nervous and anxious. 



30 DOONEll's TRIP. 

Mrs. D. I askccl him where the cushion and mat were. He 
told me that he had sent them by express. 

Doox. You see I didn't want to let her know, you know. 

HucK. No ; of course not. 

DooN. Well, I got so nervous, that when we got in the mid- 
dle of the suspension bridge I told the driver that I thought I 
would get out and walk over, so that I could see the rapids 
better. 

HucK. And walk past the Custom House ? 

All. Of course. {Smiling.) 

Boon. Yes ; the driver grinned. 

Mrs. S. Away we went, and he followed en foot. 

DooN. Oh, how hot it was ! There I was, way up above Ni- 
agara River. The wind blowing. I pulled my hat with the 
pjin-cushion down on to my head, and I felt as tliough I was 
walking a tight-rope for my life. I tell you, Hucklestone, how I 
did wish that pincushion and mat were in Africa. The gloves, 
I knew, were safe. 

HucK. Yes, they were safe. 

Mrs. S. Well, when we got near the shore there was the Cus- 
tom House right at the end of the bridge. 

Boon. So I sauntered up to one of the piers, leaned against it, 
kind a off-hand, and gazed up the river as though to drink in 
the scene. 

HucK. That was cool. 

DooN. Wasn't it ? Well, what do you suppose the devil of 
a driver did. 

HucK. What was it ? 

Mrs. S. We drove just beyond the Custom House and stopped. 
The Custom House officer came up to the carriage, asked if 
we had anything dutiable ; we said no, and he went away. 

DooN. You would have supposed that fool of a driver would 
have gone on — no — 

HucK. Stupid ! 

Mrs. S. There was a railroad depot there, with a lot of coun- 
trymen standing around, and they all came up staring at us. 

DooN. Then that driver commenced his funny business. 

Mrs. S. He called it fooling the gawks. He said, It is strange 
wdiat a pitch they have brought science to. They almost make 
a human being. Now, you see that man there. 

Mrs. D. I turned to look and he pointed to Dooner. 

Mrs. S. He's got av/ax nose and you can't discover it. He's 
got a tin ear and yet you can't tell it from the other one. 

Mrs. D. We thought it was a good joke. 

DooN. Heavens, what a joke ! The crowd all started for me. 
I was standing there gazing at the prospect, and trying to look 
imconcerned, while the cushion, mat, and gloves were eating 
into mv vitals. 

All; Ha. ha ! 



dooner's Trap. 31 

Doox. Imagine, they came down, walked around me all the 
Jme, gazing stealthily at me. I took them for revenue officers, 
and as they pried and Avinked, trying to detect the wax nose 
and tin ear, the perspiration poured from me in streams. 

Mrs. D. There they kept him suffering the torments of the 
condemned. 

DooN. Until a puff of wind blew my hat with the cushion 
and mat into the river. Of course they laughed, and I broke - 
away and got into the carriage. 

HucK. But you had the gloves safe. 

DooN. Yes, I had the gloves safe. 

All. He had the gloves safe. {Smiling.) 

Doox. I hurried up-stairs to my room. I threw open my col- 
lar, unbuttoned my under-wrapper, and pulled them out. 
Then, Oh, the heat I had suffered 1 That tin-ear perspiration ! 
Hucklestone, the gloves were — 

All. Boiled ! {All rise, laugMng.) 

HucK. I thank you all the same, hi I hi I I like my gloves 
boiled. (Aside.) He might have been man enough to pay the 
duties. 

DooN. The next day I received a letter from the Custom 
House officer. " Sir, what was in your hat before it blew off V 
Without a moment's hesitation I answered, " Sir, my head !" 

HucK. That was good I 

DooN. Wasn't it? He wrote back, ^' Sir, timber is dutia- 
ble," inferring — 

All. Ha ! ha ! 

Mrs. S. That he was a blockhead. 

All. Ha ! ha ! 

DooN. I immediately responded, " Sir, you are a meddlesome 
puppy." Signed, '' Cadwallader Dooner." 

HucK. That was rash. 

DooN. Yes, I regretted it. He answered, " Sir, you have at- 
tempted to defraud the government ; you will hear from me." 

HucK. You will. Custom House inspectors are severe. 

Doox. Well, no matter. Caroline, show Hucklestone the 
boiled gloves. 

Jos. Mr. Hucklestone, you shall see my pictures. 
[EMt Mrs. Docker, Josephine, Hucklestone, atid Clara l.] 

Mrs. S. At last I have a chance. Now for Clara and the new 
mine. 

DooN. Hucklestone is a good fellow^, he is very fond of me. 
But he don't like the gloves a bit. 

Mrs. S. Pardon my alluding to it, my dear Mr. Dooner. Two 
young gentlemen are now paying attentions to your daughter. 

DooN. Weil, madam, yes, somew^hat. 

Mrs. S. One of them has been paying particular attention to 
\j niece. 

DooN. Which one, madam, which one ? 



32 dooner's trip. 

Mrs. S. It is the one you have decided to refuse. 

Doox. But I haven't quite decided which one to refuse. 

Mrs. S. That doesn't matter ; it's the one you will refuse. 

DooN. Oh, she wants the one tliat's left ! 

Mrs. S. The poor girl's heart is set on him. 

Doox. I don't exactly know which him — but — 

Mrs. S. We may depend on your good services. 

Boon. You may, madam, you may. 

Mrs. S. Thank you so much. Now, I have something else 
of equal importance to mj'self to propose. {BotJi sit.) 

DooN. (Sits.) Oh, you want me to look up somebody for 
you, eh ? My dear madam I 

Mrs. S. No, Mr. Dooner. I am content to remain a widow, 
fancy free, except for the very warm regard I have for you, my 
good friend, Mr. Dooner. 

DooN. O Mrs. Spoopendyke ! 

Mrs. S. I have such a profound admiration for your business 
qualifications. 

DooN. I, ah ! would not be vain. But my opinion on pork 
w^as asked by the War Department. 

Mrs. S. I want to direct your attention to the argentiferous 
lode. 

DooN. How much of a load ? 

Mrs. S. I want you to become interested in Baby Mine. 

DooN. Oh, Mrs. Spoopendyke ! I really — which one ? 

Mrs. S. The new one. 

DooN. The— oh ! 

Mrs. S. The one just started. 

Doox. Why, Mrs. Spoopendyke I 

Mrs. S. Mr. Dooner, I look upon you as a part proprietor of it. 

Doox. Me — oh — I — Mrs. Spoopendyke. You really can't 
mean — 

Mrs. S. Yes, my dear sir. I consider you as in on i;he ground 
floor. 

Doox. Mrs. S. — I — What will Mrs. Dooner say ? 

Mrs. S. She, oh, sle doesn't give attention to such matters. 

Doox. Oh, but, my dear madam, she does ! I can't even men- 
tion Emma without her boiling with rage. 

Mrs. S. Emma ! w^hat Emma ? Not Little Emma ? 

Doox. I — well, yes, little Emma. 

Mrs. S. You don't really mean to say that you have been 
weak enough to throw money away on Little Emma ? 

Doox. Well, yes. Not much, not much. 

Mrs. S. Well, sir, you mustn't think that everything is such 
a swindle as Little Emma. 

Doox. I hope not. 

Mrs. S. Here is something that will enable you to get even. 

Doox. I should like to get e^en on little Emma. What ? 

Mrs. S. Why, my dear sir. Don't you understand, on the 
darling new Baby Mine ? 



DOONER'S TRIP. S2l 

DooN. Oh : 

Mrs. S. It fairly boils over with alluvial. 

Doo>h Soothing syrup, madam, soothing syrup. 

Mrs. S. It assays 42 to the ton. 
I DooN. What ? How uiuch baby ? 

Mrs. S. We assayed four tons of the Baby lode. 

Boon. Heavens ! Four tons of babies I 

Mrs. S. Four tons of babies I {They rise.) Mr. Dooner, I am 
speaking of the fiaby Mine. 

DooN. Oh, a mine ! 

Mrs. S. Our new silver mine, and I want you to take 30,000 
shares on the ground floor. 

Boon. 30,000 shares. My goodness ! How much a share ? 

Mrs. S. Four-cents, first call. 

Boon. I subscribe, madam, I subscribe. (Aside.) Baby Mine. 

Mrs. S. Oh, thank you, thank you, dear Mr. Booner, so much ! 
It will be well watered by and by. {Starting r.) 

Boon. Watered, the oh — yes, yes, its stock. 

Mrs. S. And you won't forget Clara, will you ? 

Boon. Clara — Oh, for the one that's left! No, I won't forget 
Clara. 

Mrs. S. Thank you, Mr, Booner. You dear Mr. Booner, so 
much. [Exit r. 

Boon. The Baby Mine. 

[HucK, Mrs. Booner, aiid Josephine returii*] 

Al. {Announcing, enters.) -Mr. Will. Eittenhouse. 

Jos. Ah ! 

Mrs. B. Welcome, Mr. Rittenhouse. We are delighted to 
see you. 

W^iLL. {Bowing.) Madam, Mr. Booner. 

Boon. Enchanted, enchanted 1 {Aside.) He always has that 
style, the air of the protector. 

Mrs. B. Introduce him to Mr. Hucklestone. 

Boon. Certainly. Hucklestone, permit me to introduce to 
you Mr. Willie Rittenhouse, one of our travelling acquaintances. 

Jos. {Lively.) He saved papa's life. 

Boon. {Aside.) There it goes again. 

HucK. How — your life was in danger ? 

Boon. No— a little. 

Will. Not worth the trouble of repeating. 

Boon. {Aside.) Always his little air. 

Al. {Announcing.) Mr. Horace Yv^allbridge. 

[Enter Horace.] 

Boon. {EntJuisiasiic.) Ah, here he is, my dear friend, my 
good Horace I {Meeting Mm.) 

HoR. {Saluting.) Good-morning, ladies. Good-morning, 
Will. 



34 DOONERS TEiP. 

-n^^x- (Tni'hm his arm) Come, let me present to you Mr 
Hucklesti? M I -ant to introduce you to o,e ot 

SrSends-one of my best'friends, Mr. Horace ^^ allbndge. 

HucK Mr. Walibridge of the sugar refinery. 

tTar CRoicina ) We are somewhat a^iuamtea. 

Soon. lh!lii hada't been for me he wouldn't pay you your 
salary to-morrow. 

Soon.' Tm style.) Why, simply because'l saved his life, 
^fcK*" You?' (.4./.^..) They appear to have passed their 
*'^Dor?CSS';o'^W:%vere under the falls ; Niagara 
poured over our heads, tranquil and majestic. 

HoT! (Aside ) The burning deck agani. . 

Soon. We follo^yed each otlrer, slowly, silently, wrapped m 

pensive contemplation— ,,0,^ i AVho do 

Jos {Who Us leen opening journal-) Ah, papa. ^.no uo 
you think 13 in the newspaper ? You are. 

DooN. How, am I in the newspaper ? 

Tn« ( aivina naver.) Read it yourselt, there. . 

iooN Now lihal find that I nm drawn on the grand jury 
agSn (E.-.^.). ^ A correspondent writes us from Niagara- 

"uoox^iUt'' ''An accident, which would have been fol- 

footing and feU upon one of the slippery ledges of rocks jus 
over tie boiling diasm below. In a momen nxo^- -^^^^^^ 
have been dashed into eternity, but \"--.0°°"^ ' \!™f, ^J^ 
merchant of widespread repute most tavorablj k^io^ ^ ,.^ ,, s 
own citv who was with the party, at the risk of his lile, tnrew 
hhnse&rr the ledge." (^^F^-^'fO That's the fact ''And ^^^^^^^ 
nrodio-ious efforts he was enabled to rescue his companion. 
Euch Idm rable courage is woithy of universal acknowledgernen 
and the esteem of all will follow him for his generous hardihood. 

All. Oh : 

HoR (Aside ') Twentv cents a une. 

Soon. ^eLgJ) Such admirable courag. is wonh^of urn- 
versal acknowledgment -and the estcem.-^ro Hokace.) xHj 

friend, mv son. 
• TTr.n (A<iidi''\ Deciocdlv I'm ou the wuiuer. , 

SooN.^&Snly I'm no^3olitician. but I express my opniion 
freely and openlv. There's some good m newspapers jet. 
(Puttivrf paper in lis pocket. (Adde:) I must buy ten copies 

Mrs. D. Cadwallader, if we should send the newspapers the 
account of Mr. AVillio's splendid rescue. . ., ^ ,, „, 

Jos Oh; yes. That would make a fitting finish to the ac- 
count. 



doonek\s trip. 35 

DooN. No, no. It'suniiecessar3\ I don't want to occupy the 
papers too much with my private affairs. 

\_Enter Ajacil.'] 

ATj. Sir, an officer just left this summons for you. 

Mes. D. {Alarmed.) A summons ! 

DooN. Have no fear, my dear, I owe nothing to nobody, on . 
the contrary, others owe me. 

HucK. {Aside.) He said that for me. 

DooN. {Eying it.) A summons before the United States 
Court for an attempt to defraud the revenue. 

All. Oh, my heavens ! 

Will. Yfhat does it mean ? 

DooN. A Custom House officer, who went after my hat. I 
was a little too quick ; I called him a meddlesome puppy. 

HucK. That's very grave, very grave. 

DooN. What? 

HucK. xln attempt to defraud the revenue when it's found 
out. 

Doo?^. Eh? 

HucK. From one to live years in prison. 

All. In prison ! 

DooN. What, after fifty years of a life pure and without re- 
proach, I am to be placed in the criminals' dock ? Never, 
never 1 

HucK. {Aside.) That will teach him to pay the duties on his 
presents. 

DooN. {Troubled.) Ah, my friends I What can I do ? 

Mus. D. We will see. Be calm, Cadwallader*. 

Jos. My poor papa ! 

Hon. Have courage. 

Will. ¥^^ait, I can perhaps get you out of this. 

All. Ah ! 

DooN. You, my friend — my good friend ! 

Will. I am intimately acquainted v/ith a high official in the 
Custom House. I will go and see him. Perhaps w^e can induce 
the Niagara man to withdraw his complaint , 

HucK That appears to me to be difficult. 

Will. Why ? There seems to be nothing but calling him a 
uame — 

Dock. Which I regret. 

Yv^iLi,. Give me the summons. I think it can be arranged. 
Don't let it torment you, my dear Mr. Dooner. 

Doojs. {Taking Ms hand.) Ah, Horace I {Remenibering.) 
No, Willie — Hold ! Let me embrace you. {Bows.) 

Jos. Oh, how fortunate ! ■ {Going uj^tcith'^lii^. Dooner.) 

¥/iLL. (To Horace.) It's my turn. Now I am on the winner. 

HoR. So it seems, {Aside.) I thought I had it all my own 
wav. . _.. ^ - 



36 dooner's trip. 

HucK. I will take my leave. 

DooN. Are you going to leave us ? 

HucK. Yes. (Dri/ii/,) I dine in the city. [E.vittoith'WiLi.iE. 

Mrs. D. {A^yproaches. Loic.) Yery well. What do you 
think of Mr. liitt en house now ? 

DooN. He ? He's an angel. 

Mrs. D. And you hesitate to give your consent ? 

DooN. I hesitate no longer. 

Mrs. D. Yery good. I will leave you. There remains nothing 
but to acquaint Mr. Yv^allbridge with our decision. 

DooN. Oh, the poor boy I Do you think it necessary ? 

Mrs. D. Certainl}''. You don't w^ant to keep him longer in 
suspense ? 

DooN. Oh, no I You are right. 

Mrs. D. I leave you with him. Courage ! {Aloud.) Come, 
Josephine. {Bowing.). Mr. Wallbridge. 

{Exit with Josephine l. 

HoR. {Aside.) I am evidently losing ground. 

DooN. Brave young man. It pains me, but I must. {Aloud,) 
My dear Horace. My good Horace, I have a painful communi- 
cation to make to you. 

HoR. Now we get it. 

Boon. You have done me the honor to ask the hand of my 
daughter. I should have been delighted to have you for a son, 
but circumstances — events — Your friend Willie has rendered 
me such important services — 

HoR. I understand. 

DooN. Because every one says he saved my life. 

HoR. But the little elderberry bush v/hich you were going to 
grasp — 

DooN. Certainly the little elderberry bush, but it was very 
little, and it might have broken, and as I didn't get hold of it — 

HoR. Certainly. 

Boon. No, but that is not all. At this very moment that 
excellent young man is running through the city to get me out 
of this Cus — Custom House trouble. I owe him the honor — 
the honor. 

HoR. Mr. Dooner, the sentiments that you express are too no- 
1)1 e for me to oppose them. 

DooN. True, you wouldn't have me — 

HoR. I remember nothing but your courage, your devotion 
to me. 

Doox. (Shaling hand.) xVh, Horace I {Aside.) It's astonish- 
ing liow I love that young man. 

Hon. Also, before bidding you farewell — 

DooN. Hai? 

lIoK. Before leaving you. 

Doox. How ? Are you going to leave us ? Why ? 

HoR. I could not continue visits which ^vould be-compiomis- 



DOOXEll's Till P. 37 

ing to Miss Josephine, your daiigbter, and which could not be 
otherwise than painful to me. 

DooN. Come. Nonsense 1 The only young man that I ever 
saved. 

HoR. But your image will never leave me. I have formed a 
project. It is to fix upon canvas, as it is already upon my heart, 
the heroic scene at Niagara. 

DooN. A picture ! You want to put me in a picture ? 

Hon. I have already addressed one of our most illustrious 
painters upon the subject— one of those who work for posterity. 

DooN. Posterity I Ah, Horace ! (Aside.) It's extraordinary 
how I love that young man. 

HoR. I want above all the portrait exact. 

DooN. Certainly, certainly. That's what I should prefer my- 
self. 

HoR. It Avill be necessary for you to give five or six sittings to 
the artist. 

DooN. Of course, certainly. My dear friend, twenty, thirty. 
I won't tire. We will sit together. 

HoR. Ah, no ! Not I. 

DooN. Why ? 

HoR. Because this is the way I have conceived the picture. 
You see on the canvas only Niagara. 

DooN. {Uneasy.) Very well, and Tvhat about me ? 

HoR. Niagara and you. 

DooN. Ah, that's it. I and Niagara, tranquil and majestic. 
But you. Where w^ill you be ? 

HoR. On the ledge below — out of sight. You see nothing 
but my two hands clasped and suppliant. 

Boon. What a magnificent picture I 

IiOR. Yfe will place it at the academ}^. 

Boon. Ah, yes. At the Academy of Fine Arts. 

HoR. And w^e will inscribe upon the frame these words— 

Boon. No, no buncombe. No extravagant praise. We will 
place on it simply the article from my newspaper — A corre- 
spondent writes us from Niagara — 

HoR. That's a little dry. 

Boon. Yes; but w^e will arrange it. {With emotion,) Ah, 
Horace, my son. {Aside.) It's extraordinary how I do love that 
young man ! 

HoR. Adieu, Mr. Dooner. We shall seldom see each other 
now. 

Boon. No, impossible, it's impossible. This marriage — 
Nothing is decided yet. 

HoR. But — 

Boon. Stay, I wish it. 

HoR. (Aside.) The winner comes our way again. 

Al. {Ertters and to announce.) Colonel Calhoun Bungstarter. 

Boon. {Astonished.) Who the deuce is he ? 



38 DOOXEit's Tinr. 

Col. {Eiitering.) Pardon me, gentlemen. I disturb 3-0U 
perhaps. 

Doox. Not at all, sir. 

Col. (Jb Horace.) Is this Mr, Doonen whom I have the 
honor of addressing ? 

DooN. I am that gentleman, sir. 

Col. {To Dooxer.) Ah, sir, I have been looking for you for 
a fortnight. I have already visited a dozen places, there are 
so many Dooner's in Philadelphia ; but I am tenacious. 

Doox. {Showing chair.) You have something to communicate 
to me. {He sits. Horace goes up.) 

Col. {Sitting.) I don't know yet. Permit me first to ask 
you a question. Are you the gentleman who made Avithin a 
month a trip to Xiagara Falls ? 

Doox. Yes, sir, the same. I believe I may say, " I am the 
man.'' 

Col. Then it was you who wrote upon the hotel register, 
*' The Colonel is a jackass." 

Doox. How^ — you are — 

Col. Yes, sir, I am the Colonel. 

Doox. {Saluting.) Delighted I 

HoR. (Coming doicn. Aside.) The deuce I The horizon 
grows obscure. 

Col. Mr. Dooner, sir. I am neither quarrelsome nor disputa- 
tious , but I do not permit any one to take such liberties with 
my name. 

Doox. But you vrrote on the same book more than a lively 
note in relation to me. 

Col. II I am obliged to state that Niagara does not termi- 
nate with a y. Look at the dictionary. 

Doox. Very well, sir ; but you are not obliged to correct my 
pretended mistakes in orthographv. Whv did vou meddle 
wdth it ? 

Col. Pardon me, sir, the language of my ccmntry is about the 
only thing I have left in it — a language, grand, sonorous, a lit- 
tle peculiar sometimes in the spelling, as vou know. 

Doox. I ! 

Col. And w^hen I encounter it in another coimtry, under 
another flag, I am bound to protect it, and to protest against 
those who mean to be read " Niagara*' and write '' Niggery." 

Doox. So, sir, are you going to have the pretensions to give 
me a lesson ? 

Col. The idea is far from me. 

Doox. Luckily for you sir. {Ai^iJe.) lie wilts. 

Col. But without wishing to give you a lesson, I come to 
demand of you, politely, an explanation. 

Doox. {Aside.) He's a livery-stable Colonel. 

Col. Two things. First, if you persist — 

Doox. I don't vrant your reasons. You imngiac you can lii- 



DO oner's trip. 39 

timidate me, sir. My courage has been proven, do you under- 
stand, and you shall see it exemplified. 

Col. That is sufficient. Where ? 

DooN. At the Academy of Fine Arts next season. 

Col. Oh, permit me. It will be impossible for me to wait until 
then. To come to the point ; do you take back your words — 
yes or no ? 

Doox. Nothing of the kind, sir. 

Col. Be careful. 

HoR. {Comes down l.) {Soothing^ advisory.) Mr. Dooner. 

DooN. Nothiug whatever. (Aside.) He amounts to nothing 
but his whiskers. 

Col. {Rising.) Then, Mr. Dooner, I shall have the honor 
to Vv^ait for you to-morrow at noon precisely, with my second 
and a surgeon, in the v>^oods near Strawberry Hill. 

HoR. Colonel, one word. {Ready to ring lell l.) 

Col. We will wait for you near the mansion. 

HoR. But, Colonel — 

Col. a thousand pardoDs. I have an appointment with a 
dealer to choose some furniture. To-morrow noon. {Bowing.) 
Gentlemen, I have the honor. [Exit. 

HoR. The deuce I You are well mixed up, with a Colonel, 
too. 

DooN. He a Colonel ! Nonsense ! Do genuine Colonels 
amuse themselves correcting mistakes in ortliography ? 

HoR. No matter. It's necessary to inquire — to find out — {Re 
rings.) To know vdth whom w^e are dealing. 

Al. {Enters.) Sir. 

DooN. Why did you admit that man who just left ? 

Al. He had already been here, sir, this morning. I forgot 
to give you his card. 

HoR. Ah, his card ! 

DooN. Give it. {Reading.) Calhoun Baumgartner, Ex-Col- 
onel Louisiana Tigers. 

HoR. Louisiana Tigers ! 

Doox. Thunder and Mars ! 

Al. What's the matter ? 

DooN. Nothing. Leave us. {Exit Alice. 

HoR. Jiminy ! This is a pretty situation. 

DooN. What can I do ? I was a littie too quick— a man so 
polite. I took him for a confidence man. 

HoR. What shall we do ? 

DooN. It v/ill be necessary to find some way of — {idea strikes.) 
Ah ! 

HoR. What? 

DooN. Nothing — nothing. There is no way. I have insulted 
him, and I must fight him. {Starting left.) Good-by. 

HoR. Where are you going ? 

DooN. To put my affairs in order. You understand. 



40 DOONEk's THIP. 

HoR. But is there no way ? 

Doox. Horace, when the hour of danger sounds, you will not 
see Dooner weaken. [Exit l. 

HoR. Here's a pretty mess. But it's impossible. I can't 
permit Mr. Dooner to light with a Louisiana Tiger. But he's 
got courage, the father-in-law. And on the other side the Col- 
onel. Uh ! And all that for not spelling Niagara right. Let's 
see. If I can notify the police — and — no. But why not ? I 
have no other choice. No one will know about it. {He takes 
fen and'pa'per^ sitting.) A letter to tlie Chief of Police. {Writ- 
ing.) Sir, I have the honor to inform you. {Spealcing while 
omting.) Send an officer to the point named. It will prevent 
possible bloodshed. {Folds letter.) Now I must find some one 
to carry it. Alice can arrange it. Alice ! Alice ! 

[He exits., calling., c. 
[Dooner enters alone, holding letter.] 

DooN. Chief of Police — fjir, it is my duty to inform you that 
two desperate men intend to exchange shots to-morrow at a 
quarter before twelve. {Spealcs.) I put it a quarter before, so 
they vrould be on time. {Reading,) At a quarter before twelve, 
in the w^oods on Strawberry Hill. It belongs to you to protect 
the lives of our citizens. One of tlie combatants is a well- 
known merchant, father of a family, a devoted friend of the 
city government, and very influential in his ward. Do not per- 
mit, him to put his life in jeopardy. Now the address. 
( Writes.) Very pressing — important. Now wiiere is Alice ? 
[Horace enters icith letter.] 

HoR. Impossible to find the servant. {Seeing Dooner, hides 
letter.) Oh ! 

DooN. (Seeing Horace, hides letter.) Horace ? 

HoR. Well, Mr. Doonei* ! 

DooN. You see I am calm — like bronze. {Perceiving '}iIjis. 
Dooner andy Josephine enter l,.) My wife, silence! 

Mrs. D. My dear Cadwallader, Josephine's piano teacher has 
sent us some tickets for a concert to-morrow. Matinee. 

DooN. {Aside.) Matinee ! 

Mrs. D. It is his benefit. AVill you accompany us ? 

DooN. Impossible. To-morrow^, my dear, I shall be busy. 

Mrs. D. But you have nothing to do. 

DooN. Yes, I have some business--;^very important— ask Mr. 
Wa lb ridge. 

HoR. Very important. 

Mrs, D. What a serious air. Your face is as long as a horse's. 
I might think you were afraid of something. 
■ DooN. Me airaid ? You should see me on the field of honor. 

Mrs. D. The field of honor ! 

DooN. {Aside.) By George ! that slipped out. . 

Jos.' {F!yiiig to Jiim.) A duel, papa ? 



DOONEPv S TKIP. 41 

DooN. Very well. Yes, my child. T didn't wish you to 
know— it escjaped from me. Your father is going to fight. 

Mrs. D. \Yith whom ? 

DooN. With a colonel of the Louisiana Tigers. 

Mrs. D. and^o^. {FrigMened.) Oh, good heavens ! 

DooN. To-morrow, in the woods, at the corner of Strawberry 
Mansion. 

Mrs. D. {Going to Jiim.) But you are a fool — you, a husband 
and a father. 

DooN. Mrs. Dooner, I despise duelling, but there are circum- 
stances when a man owes it to his honor. {Aside^ looting at letter.') 
Where is Alice ? 

Mrs. D. No — impossible. I w^ill not permit it. {Slie goes to 
table and writes.) To the Chief of the Police. 
[Enter Alice.] 

Al. Dinner is served. 

[Enter Mrs. Spoopendyke and Clara. Business.'] 

DooN. (Aj^proaching Alice, and loic.) This letter to its ad- 
dress : it's very important. {Retires.) 

HoR. {LoiD to Alice.) This letter to its address immediately : 
it's very important. {He retires.) 

Mrs. D. {Loio to Alice.) This letter immediately : it's very im- 
portant. 

Jos. {Aside.) I wdll tell Mr. Willie. Come, ladies, dinner. 

[Exit 3. . 

Mrs. D. {Before exit, to Alice.) Chut ! 

HoR. {Same.) Chut ! 

DooN. (Same.) Chut! [ They exit together, 

Al. {Alone, reading.) To the Chief of Police. I shall only 
have one trip. 

Curtain. 



ACT IV. 



NE.— J.7Z ornate villa garden. Handsome villa icith piazzas or 
balconies and mansard^ at the left of stage. PracticaNe door to 
villa. Shrid)bery^ foliage^ flowers^ etc., along the right of stage. 
Garden furniture^ vases, statuary, etc., grouped alout. Orna- 
mental garden icall across 'back of stage, with door or gate, 
practicahle, in icall c. Beyondv this, a vow of trees or cut-icood, 
- very open ; laclc of which are set-houses, or modern street-wings, 
haclced hy foliage, garden, or loood — the ichole giving the appear^ 
mice of a shaded street bade of the wall, tcith villas on the oppo- 
site side of the street. 

[HoTiACE entering at haclc from the left.] 

HoR. Ten o'clock ; the appointment is not before twelve. 
{He approaches pavilion and makes a sign.) S-s-t ! Mr. Dooner. 

DooN. {Sticking head out.) Ah, it's you. Don't make a noise 
— in a minute I am with you. {He re-enters.) 

HoR. {Alone.) Poor Mr. Dooner. He must have passed a mis- 
erable night. Luckily the duel will not take place. 

DooN. {Coming out icith mantle, military air, belt icith two pairs 
of large pistols underneath.) Behold me : I am ready I 

IIoii. How do you find yourself ? 

DooN. Calm, like bronze. 

HoR. 1 have some pistols in the carriage. 

DooN. {Shoicing them.) I have some also. 

HoR. Two pairs. 

DooN. One might miss fire. I don't w^ant to be embarrassed 
by such an accident. 

HoR. {Aside.) By Jove, he's got it in him. {Aloud.) The 
carriage is at the door when you wish. 

Doox. A moment. 'What time is it ? 

HoR. Ten o'clock. 

DooN. I don't want to arrive before noon, nor after. {Aside.) 
That might spoil all. 

HoR. You are right. {Aside.) That might spoil all. 

DooN. I am waiting for Hucklestone. I w^rote him last night. 

HoR. Ah, here he is I 

[Hucklestone entering gate c. ] 

HiTCK. I received your letter. . I demanded leave of absence. 
What is it about ? 

DooN. Hucklestone, I go to fight in two hours. 

>Hi:( K. You I Nonsense ; and with v.liat ? 



dooxer's tpjp. 43 

Doox. {Opening mantle.) With these. 

HucK. Pistols ! 

DooN. And I count upon you to be my second. (Horace 
up.) 

HucK. Upon me ? Permit me, my friend : that's impossible. 

DooN. Why ? 

HncK. It's necessary for me to go to the sugar refinery. I 
shall be discharged. 

DooN. Bat you ha^e obtained leave of absence. 

HucK. Not to be a second. The law deals with seconds. 

Doox. It appears to me, Mr. Hucklestone, that I have rendered 
you enough services — that you ought not to refuse to^assist me 
m a case where my life may be endangered. 

HucK. {Aside.) That's his miserable $300. 

Doox. But if you fear to compromise yourself. If you are 
afraid — 

HucK. I am not afraid. First, I am not free. You think I 
am chained by the ties of gratitude. Ah, gratitude ! 

HoR. {Aside.) Another ! 

HucK. I ask of you only one thing. That is to return by two 
o'clock. I will pay you immediately, and then v/e are quits. 

HoR. {Gomes down l.) It's time to start. {To Dooxer.) If 
you desire to say good-by to Mrs. Dooner and your daughter — 

Doox. 1^0 ; I wish to avoid a scene. There would be tears 
and lamentations. They would throw their arms around me and 
clutch my cloak to detain me. Let us go. {Singing off.) My 
daughter. 

[^Enter Josephixe, singing.'] 

Jos. Tra la«-la-la — {Spectking.) Ah, it's you, my good little 
papa. 

Doox. Yes — you see — I leave with these two gentlemen. It 
is necessary, {^nihrace with, emotion.) Farewell. 

Jos. {Tranquil.) Good-by, papa.. {Aside.) There's nothing 
to fear. Mamma has informed the police, and I have informed 
Mr. Willie. {She goes to arrange her floioers.) 

Doox. {Wiping his eyes.) Nevermind; don't weep. If you 
never see me again — think sometimes — {Stopping.) Why, she 
is fixing her bouquet. 

HucK. It's revolting. 

[Enter Mrs. Dooxer with somefloicers in her hand.] 

Mrs. D. {To Dooxer.) My love, can I cut a few dahlias ? 
Doox. My wife ! 

Mrs. D. I am culling a bouquet for my vase. 
Doox. Cull, at such a moment ! I can refuse you nothing. I 
am about to leave, Caroline. 

Mrs. D. Oh, you are going out then ? 

Doox. Yes I go — out — there, with these two gentlemen. 

Mrs. D. Go alono-. Don't be late for dinner. 



44 dooner's tkip. 

Doox. (Aside.) Hai ! This tranquillity ! Does my wife no 
longer love me ? 

HucK. All the Dooners are heartless, that's sure. 

HoR. It's time, if you wish to be at the rendezvous by twelve. 

Don. (Lively.) Precise I 
, Mrs. D. (Lively.) You have no time to lose. 

Jos. Hurry, papa. 

DooN. Yes, we go. Caroline, my daughter, farewell ! (He 
goes up.) 

[Enter Willie.] 

Will. Stay, Mr. Dooner. The duel will not take place. 

All. How ? 

Jos. (Aside.) I vras sure Willie would arrange it. 

Mrs. D. But explain to us. 

Will. It's very Mmple. I have just put Colonel Baumgartner 
in Moyamensing. 

All. Moyamensing ! 

HoR. My rival is very active. 

Will. Yes, that was arranged over a month since between the 
Colonel and myself, and I couldn't find a better occasion to 
make myself agreeable to him (to Dooner), and to relieve 
you. 

Mrs. D. Ah, sir, what a friend ! 

Jos. (LoiD,) You are our savior. 

DooN. (Aside.) Ah, that doesn't suit me. I had arranged 
my little affair so well. At a quarter before twelve a policeman 
would step between us. 

Mrs. D. (!(? Dooner.) Thank him. 

DooN. Who? 
I Mes. D. Mr. Rittenhouse. 

DooN. (7b Willie, dryly.) All, yes, sir, I thank you. 
. HucK. (Aside.) You'd think it v/ould strangle him. (Aloud.) 
I go to touch my salary. (To Horace.) Do you believe the 
cashier has com.menced to pay ? 

HoR. Yes, without doubt. I have a carriage. I will convey 
you. Mr. Dooner, we will see each other. You have an answer 
to give me. 

Mrs. D. (LoiD to Willie.) Stay. Dooner has promised to de- 
cide to-da}^ ; the moment is favorable. 

Will. Do you believe that he will ? 

Jos. (Low.) Courage, Mr. Bittenhouse. 

Will. You ! Oh what happiness ! 

HucK. Good-by, Dooner. 

HoR. Madam, Miss Josephine. (Boici)ig.) 

[Exit Josephine and Mrs. Dooner r., Hucklestoxe 
and Horace by the hack l. 

DooN. (Who in the mean time has tal'en off his mantle, pistols, 
and belt. Aside.) I am very much annoyed, very much annoyed. 



dooxer's teip. 45 

I passed part of tlie night in writing to my friends that I was 
going to fight. I shall appear ridiculous. 

Will. (Aside.) He ought to be well disposed. We will 
try. (Aloud.) My dear Mr. Dooner ? 

DooN. (Dryly.) Sir ! 

Will. I w^as more fortunate than I expected— to be able to 
terminate this little affair. 

DooN. {Aside.) Alw^ays his little air of protector. (Aloud.) 
As for me, sir, I regret that you have deprived me of the pleas- 
ure of giving a lesson to this professor of spelling. 

Will. How ? Then you don't know your adversary is — 

DooN. Is an ex-Colonel of the Louisiana Tigers. Very well, 
what then ? I esteem the Tigers, but I am one of those men 
who know how to look them in the face. (He passes proudly 
l)efore.) 

Al. {Announcing.) Colonel Bumgartner ! 

DooN. Hai ! 

Will. He? 

DooN. You told me that he was in prison. 

Col. {Entering.) I was there, but I am out. Ah, Mr. Ritten- 
house, I shall arrange to take up that check immediately. 

Will. All right. Colonel. I presume you excuse my action. 
You appeared to be so desirous to be put in prison. 

Col. Oh, I like to be in Moyamensing. But not those days 
that I have arranged to fight. ' {To Doo:xer.) I am pained, sir, 
to have made you wait. I am at your orders. 

DooN. I think, sir, that you will do me the justice to believe 
that I was an entire stranger to the action taken by my — 

Will. Entirely, entirely. At this very instant the gentleman 
expressed his regrets at not being able to meet you. 

Col. (To DootnER.) I never doubted, sir, that you would be 
a loyal adversary. 

DooN. {With lututeur.) I am pleased to hope so, sir. 

Al. Dooner is game. 

Col. My second and surgeon are at the door. Let us leave. 

DooN. Leave ? 

CoL. {With icatcJi.) It is twelve o'clock. 

DooN. {Aside.) Twelve already — then it's past a quarter 
before. 

CoL. We will be there in an hour and a half. 

DooN. {Aside.) An hour and a half. There w^on't be a police- 
man within a' mile. 

Will. What will you do ? 

DooN. I — I — have, gentlemen ! I have always thought that 
there was something noble in a njan's acknowledging his errors. 

CoL. and Alice. Hai ! 

Will. What did he say ? 

DooN. Alice, leave us. 

WiTJ.. I will retire also. 



46 dooxek's trip. 

Col, Oil pardon me. I desire all that passes should be before 
a witness. 

YflLL. But— 

CoL. I beg you to remain. 

Doox. Colonel, you are one of those brave soldiers who — 
And I-^I admire those brave soldiers who — T recall that I have 
in a measure —and I beg you to believe that — (Aside.) Hang it I 
before ray servant. (Aloud.) I beg you to believe that it was 
not my intention— (il/rt,?'^^ sign for Alice to go out, who pretends -not 
to see it.) (Aside.) I'll discharge her to-night. (Aloud.) No 
intention in my thought. No thought — thought— in my inten- 
tion — to offend a man whom I esteem, and whom I honor. 

Al. (Aside.) He wilts I 

Col. Then, sir, this is an apology. 

Will. (Quid.) Oh — his regrets. 

Doox. Don't interrupt. Don't interrupt. Let the Colonel 
speak. 

CoL. Are they regrets or apologies ? 

Doox. A little of one and a little of the other. 

CoL. Sir, vou have written plainly on a certain hotel register, 
" The Colonel is a— '^ 

Doox. I retire the expression. I take it back. 

Col. You take it back here. But there, at Niagara, it is writ- 
ten where all travellers can read it. 

Doox. Oh, my heavens I As for that, you wouldn't expect me 
to go there to efface it. 

CoL. I should not have dared ask as much ; but since you offer 
to do it— - 

Doox. I ! 

CoL. I accept. 

Doox. Permit me. 

CoL. Oh I don't demand that you shall depart to-day. No, 
but to-morrow. 

Doox a?id Will. How ? 

CoL. How ? By the first train, .^nd you will scrape out your- 
self gracefully — the two ugly lines that escaped from your pen. 
That will oblige me. 

DooN. Yes. So it seems I must return to Niagara. 

Col. Tlie hotel is in Clifton ; we are in Philadelphia. 

Doox. Philadelphia I City of Brotherly Love. 

Al. Not a bit of it, 

CoL. (Ironical/ 1/.) There remains for me nothing but to render 
homage to your sentiments of conciliation. 

Doox. I don't like to shed blood. 

CoL. (Smiling.) I declare myself completely satisfied. (To 
Willie.) Mr. Rittenhouse, I have some more checks in circula- 
tion. If any sliould pass through your hands, I will arrange 
tliemimmedint(^ly. Gentlemen, I have the honor to salute you - 

Doox. (Br'-i/fy) C(;lond. [E.vit Coloxkl. 



DOOXEii's Tpar. 47 

Al. {Sorrowfully.) That settles that. 

DooN. {Scolding.) You — I'll settle you. Pack your trunk, 
blockhead ! 

Al. {Stupefied.) Ah I What have I done ? [Exit. 

DooN. {Aside.) There is nothing to say. I have apologized. 
I, of whom they are going to make a picture at the Academy. 
But whose fault ? This Mr. Rittenhcuse's. 

y^^iiA.. {Aside.) Poor man. I don't know what to say to him. 

DooN. {Aside.) Isn't he going? He has perhaps some more 
services to render me. 

Will. Mr. Dooner? 

DooN. Sir. 

Will. Yesterday when I left here I went to my friend the 
Custom House officer. I spoke to him about your affair. 

Doox. Y"ou are too good. 

Will. It's arranged. The complaint is withdrawn. 

DooN. Indeed I 

Will. Only you write the officer a few words of regret. 

DooN. That's it — more apologies, more excuses. Why do you 
meddle with it ? 

Will. But— 

Doox. Is it impossible for you to avoid meddling with my 
affairs? ^ . 

Will. How— 

DooN. Oh, you touch everything ! Who asked you to have 
the Colonel arrested ? But for you we should have been on the 
ground at twelve o'clock. 

Will. But nothing prevented your going at two. 

Boon. It isn't the same thing. 

Will. Why? 

DooN. Why ? Because — no — you shall not know why. Enough 
of services, sir. Enough. If I fall into the rapids I beg you to let 
me go over. I prefer to give the driver $20. There is nothing 
to be proud of. That's what it costs — §20. I beg of you also 
not to change the hours of my duels. 

Will. But, Mr. Dooner — 

DooN. I don't like people who take things on themselves. It 
shows indiscretion. 

Will. Permit me. 

DooN. No, sir. Nobody lords it over me. Not Dooner. 
Enough, sir, enough. [Exitly iKivilion. 

Will. {Alone.) I can't understand it. I'm absolutely 
amazed. 

[ Enter Josephine.] 

Jos. Ah, Mr. Willie I 

Will. Miss Josephine I 

Jos. Have you interviewed papa ? 

Will. Yes, miss. 



48 DOOXER S TKIP. 

Jos. Very well. 

"VYiLL. I desire to learn the reason for his wonderful antipathy. 

Jos. Antipathy I Impossible I 

Will. He has just reproached me for pulling him out of the 
rapids. I believe he was going to offer me $20 as a recom- 
pense. 

Jos. Absurd I 

Will. He told me that was tlie price. 

Jos. But, it's horrible, such ingratitude. 

Will. I find that m.y presence annoys him. and there remains 
nothing, miss, but to take my leave. 

Jos. Not at all. Remain. 

Will. For what good ? He reserves your hand for Horace ! 

Jos. Mr. Wallbridge. But I don't wish it. 
. Will. Ah I 

Jos. {Remenibering.) My mother doesn't wish it. She doesn't 
partake of papa's sentiment. She has some gratitude — mamma. 
She likes you. A little while since, she said to me, Mr. Willie 
is an honest gentleman, a man of heart, and that Avhich I hold 
dearest in the world I Vv'ould give to him. 

Will. But that which she holds dearest — is you. 

Jos. {Naive.) I believe so. 

Will. Oh, miss I how much I thank you I 

Jos. But it's mamma whom you must thank. 

Will. And you, miss. Permit me to hope that you will have 
the same consideration. 

Jos. (Emhari'assed.) Me, sir ? 

Will. Oh, speak, I pray ! 

Jos. {Drooping eyes.) Sir, when a young lady has been well 
)roughfc up, she thinks always just like her mother. {She flies 
nit.) 

Will. {Alone.) She loves me. She has said it. Oh, I am 
00 happy I 

[Enter Horace.] 

HoR. Good-day, Will. 

Will. It's you I (Aside.) Poor boy I 

Hon. Now is the time for philosophy. Mr. Dooner will re- 
turn. In ten minutes we will have our answer. My poor 
friend ! 

Will. Why so ? 

HoR. In the campaign in which we have been engaged, you 
have committed fault upon fault. 

Will. I ! 

HoR. Hold I I like you, Will, and I will give you some good 
advice, that will serve you another time. You have one mortal 
fault. 

Will. Which one ? 

HoR. You like too well to be of service. It's an unhappy 
passion with you. 



dooner's trip. 49 

Will. (Laughing.') Ah, indeed ! 

HoR. Believe me, I am a little older and have observed more 
of the world than you. Before obliging a man, make yourself 
sure first that tiie man is not an idiot. 

Will. Why? 

HoR. Because an idiot is incapable of long supporting that 
burden to the soul v^hich is called gratitude. They have a con- 
stitution so delicate. 

Will. Go on ; develop your riddle. 

HoR. Do you wish an example ? Mr, Dooner. 

DooN. {Sticking out head.) My name. 

HoR. You ^sf\\\ permit me to express an opinion that he is not 
a very superior man. (Dooner disappears.) Very well. Mr. 
Dooner has turned against you. 

Will. I am afraid he has. 

HoR. After saving his life, you believed, perhaps, that he 
would remember with pleasure your act of devotion. No, he 
remembers only three things — First, that he doesn't know how 
to swim ; second, that he did wrong in going so near the 
bank ; third, that he made a ridiculous figure with his wet 
clothes. 

Will. Very well ; but — 

HoR. And as it was necessary for him to make a display of 
fireworks, you have demonstrated to him, as plainly as two and 
two make four, that you do not believe in his courage by pre- 
venting his duel, which would not have taken place. 

Will. Why? 

HoR. I had taken my measures. I do a generous action. 

Will. Certainly you do. 

HoR. But I cover my tracks. I hide when I penetrate the 
-weaknesses of my fellow-creatures. It is like going into a powder 
magazine. I never carry a light. 

Will. So you conclude that it is best never to oblige any one ? 

HoR. Oh, no ! But it's necessary to know the mental calibre 
of the men you oblige. I presume Dooner detests you ; your 
presence humiliates him. 

Will. But that is ingratitude. 

HoR. Ingratitude is a variety of the animal. One amiable 
philospher has said that ingratitude is the independence of the 
heart. Therefore, Mr. Dooner is a pork-packer, the most inde- 
pendent of all pork-packers in the country. I discovered it im- 
mediately ; so I followed a course exactly opposite to yours. 

Will. How? 

HoR. I let myself down on to a large ledge of rock — as safe 
as this ground. 

Will. On purpose ? 

HoR. Don't you understand ? Give a pork-packer the chance 
to save a fellow-creature without danger to himself, and it's a 
master stroke. Since that day I am his joy, his triumph, the 



50 dooner's trip. 

symbol of his bravery. As soon as I appear his face glows, his 
stomach expands. He spreads all his peacock feathers. I hold 
him as vanity holds the man. When he cools I reanimate him. 
I exploit him in the newspapers at twenty cents a line. 

Will. Ah, bah ! It was you. 

HoR. By Heavens ! To morrow I commence to have him 
painted in oil, tete-d-tete with the Falls. I asked of the artist a 
very small Niagaras and an immense Dooner. In fine, my dear 
Willie, remember this well — such men do not attach themselves 
to us by reason of the service we render them, but by reason of 
the service they render us. 

Will. The men, it's possible ; but the women ? 

HoR. Very well, the women. 

Will. They comprehend gratitude ; they know how to guard 
in the bottom of their heart of hearts the remembrance of a 
generous action. 

HoR. Heavens ! what a pretty speech ! 

Will. Luckily Mrs. Dooner does not partake of the senti- 
ments of her husband. 

HoR. The mamma is perhaps for you ; but I have for me the 
superb vanity of the father. My ledge of rocks under Niagara 
protects me. 

[Dooner, with Mrs. Dooxer, Joseph, Mrs. Spoopendyke, and 
Clara, enter from house. He is vei^y grave.] 

Doox. Gentlemen, I am happy to find you together. You 
have each done me the honor to ask for the hand of my 
daughter. You shall now hear my decision. 

Will. (Aside.) The moment has arrived. 

DooN. (Smiling.) Mr. Horace, my friend. 

Will. (Aside.) I am lost. 

Doox. I have already done much for you. I wish to do 
something more yet — I wish to give you- — 

HoR. (TJianMng.) Ah, sir I 

DooN. (Coldly.) A little advice. (Lotc.) Don't speak so 
loud, when you are near a window. 

HoR. (Astonished.) Nonsense ! 

DooN. Yes, I thank you for the lesson. (Aloud.) Mr. 
Willie, you have not obtained the footing of your friend. You 
calculated less, but you please me more. I give you my daughter. 

Will. Ah, sir ! 

Doox. And observe, I do not think to acquit myself of w^hat 
I owe to you. I shall always rest under the greatest obliga- 
tions. Because (looking at Horace) none but idiots are incapa- 
ble of long supporting that burthen to the soul which is called 
gratitude. (He goes near the ^. Mr. Dooner ^a^ses Josephine 
to the side ^j/* Willie, who gives her his arm.) 

HoR. (Aside.) Trapped ! 

Will. (Aside.) Poor Horace ! ♦ 



dooner's trip. 51 

Hoe. I am beaten. {To Willie.) After as before. Come, 
give me the hand. 

Will. With all my heart. 

HoR. {Going to Dooner.) Ah, Mr. Dooner, you listen at 
doors. 

DooN. O my heavens ! A father ought to search, to inquire, 
to listen. {Tahmg Mm aside.) See here, now truly, did you 
fall off the step on purpose ? 

HoR. Where — there ? 

DooN. On the ledge of rocks under the Falls. 

HoR. Yes, but I won't tell a soul. 

DooN. Don't. {Hands. Places.) 

Mrs. S. Mr. Dooner? 

DooN. The Baby Mine. 

Mrs. S. Which is the one ? 

DooN. Ah, yes ! {Calling.) Mr. W^albridge ? 

HoR. Mr. Dooner. 

DooN. May I request your arm for Miss Clara ? 

HoR. With pleasure. May I ? (Offering arm to Clara.) 

Cla. My, it's so absurd ! 

[Enter Hucklestone.] 

HucK. Mr. Dooner, I got my salary at ten o'clock, and I 
kept the carriage of this gentleman to bring you as soon as pos- 
sible the three hundred dollars. Here it is. 

DooN. But that didn't press. 

HucK. Pardon me, it did press. And now we are quits. 
Completely quits. 

DooN. When I think I was like that — 

HucK. {To Horace.) Here is the number of your carriage. 
{Giving card.) An hour and three quarters. 

DooN. Mr. Willie, we shall be at home to-morrow evening, 
and if you will do us the pleasure to come and take a cup of 
tea — 

Col. Baiimgartner. {Entering.) Beg pard*on, ladies, gentle- 
men I {Bowing.) Mr. Dooner, I left a memorandum. Ah, this 
must be it ! {Picks np paper and appears to read.) 

Will. {Crosses to T>ooi^f,^. Loio.) To-morrow. Do you not 
think ? your promise to the Colonel ? 

DooN. Ah, that is just. {Aloud.) My wife, my daughter, 
we leave to-morrow for Niagara. 

All. (Astonished.) Hai ! What ? 

Mrs. D. Ah, indeed 1 We have but just arrived. Why re- 
turn ? 

DooN. Why ? How can you ask ? Do you not guess, my 
dear wife, that I wish to revisit the place where Willie saved my 
life ? 

Mrs. D. But, Cadwallader ! 

DoQN. Enough, Caroline, the trip is commanded {glancing haclc 
at the Colonel) — commanded by gratitude ! 

Curtain. 



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